Trifecta

I am always a bit introspective at this time of year. The Trifecta of Easter, the passing of my Mother and Mother's Day seem to push my buttons, even now. Though I love spring and all that comes with it, I also find myself contemplating the past, present and future.

Easter-Holidays are still hard for me, especially when my daughter is not here. I tried to distract myself with work, dancing and even a couple of quick outings. I took some items Abby wanted, along with the little pseudo basket I made for her. She is of an age where the things she likes intersect between being a child and being an adult. I tried to find the balance in what I chose for her.

We've been in the midst of a rough patch. She and her father have been butting heads and I am doing my best to mediate while supporting and hearing them both. Not sure how this is still a thing when we are no longer married but there it is. So, I got to hug my girl and let her know I love her, while managing not to cry.

I had taken my sweet, goofy pug and we all visited for a moment in the driveway. I then took Poppy pug through the Starbucks drive through, coffee for me, whipped cream for her. I texted friends, dropped off a gift and tried to amuse myself by doing stuff, but I am sad.  I know this is actually a preview of coming attractions, empty nest and all that jazz. Still, it feels weird not to color eggs, make brunch and create family memories.

With regard to my marriage, I am still trying to understand how and why I kept trying when the writing was on the wall? Why I still believed, what is wrong with me? From a psychological standpoint, I am fascinated with denial and disassociation. Did I travel into that realm? Am I hanging out there? I struggle to make peace with why I kept trying in the face of the obvious and find a way to forgive myself. I get there occasionally but can't seem to stay.

Easter reminds me of my Mom. There were only two holidays she seemed to enjoy or participate in, Thanksgiving and Easter. We never received Easter baskets but Mom would make a nest of the fake grass on the coffee table and put candy on it for us to find in the morning. Sometimes we colored eggs. I don't know if her somewhat cheerier nature was due to the change of season, her Catholic upbringing,  (resurrection) or something else, but it was nice.

Anniversary-On April 18th, 31 years ago, Mom passed. We hadn't seen much of each other at that point. I knew she was sick and I reached out even though she had disowned me. I had started working at a pizza restaurant when I was seventeen. I rented a room in a five bedroom house with four other residents that were college students. I didn't know where Mom was half the time, she stayed with different people, but would call if she needed something. 

She needed new reading glasses and I took an advance on my paycheck to buy them for her. It took a while to pay it back and I had to tighten my budget a little but I wanted her to be able to read. Not long after, she asked if I could buy her a box of hair color and I told her I would have to wait until my next paycheck. Well, that was not the answer she wanted and she was angry.

The next day, she brought a box to me at work filled with the gifts I had given her since our last eviction, when we lost pretty much everything. Sitting on the top was one of her famous poison pen letters. My sister still has the letter and I can laugh about it now, but it stung at the time (sometimes still does). She declared that she had disowned me and proceeded to describe the many ways I had failed her. 

There are five child types from dysfunctional families 5 Types. My guess is that most emulate more than one. Over achiever that I am, I have tried all five but identify most with 1, 4 & 5.  I am responsible (my former spouse often told me I had an over developed sense of responsibility) a care taker (really want to help everyone but have learned to choose wisely for the most part) and the class clown (love to make people laugh)! For the record, none of the above garnered my Mother's love. Logically, I know that she wasn't capable of giving it, but even now, it hurts.

Mother's Day-Old habits die hard! I still struggle not to try too hard, give too much and become what others need. This is the reason I don't think I can ever do relationships again. People think you're amazing until they don't. I keep trying to do more, be more, etc. That only seems to make it worse. Maybe I choose poorly? I have worked to understand myself and my choices and it just doesn't matter because most people do not do the same. 

We can only know another as much as they are willing to share but also as much as they are willing to know themselves. My experience is that people keep huge parts of their personality secret from everyone, including themselves! The truth is, knowing and owning your stuff is actually pretty uncommon because the work is hard and the end result is sometimes disappointment.

Expectations-The whole idea of treating others as you wish to be treated is fraught with expectation. People do not respond in kind because they can't. This is not a reflection of you, or even them. In psych speak, it is, what it is. Non answers are challenging because they are empty. Being able to accept and forgive doesn't mean others can or will. It's a bit like leaving a safe distance between you and the car in front of you. You know people will cut into that space but you still maintain it. It's annoying but wise and there is not usually any reward (except not rear ending someone and/or causing an accident).

While I appreciate the notion that love is patient and love is kind, Corinthians13:4-8, I think that it is just as often J. Geils...Love Stinks! No amount of acceptance, kindness and yes, love has ever been enough. There must be boundaries. No matter how much you love a person, you can not let them consume you and there are those that will try. They usually don't realize what they are doing. It is often not about you. The end result though, is the same. They will swallow you whole trying to fill a void they neither acknowledge, understand or address.