Fear

You know when Mark Ruffalo in his role as Dr. Bruce Banner in The Avengers says, “that’s my secret, I’m always angry” right before he turns into the Hulk? I have a secret too; I’m always scared.

Scared I will let someone down, including myself. Scared I will screw up my kid because I might not be a good mother. Scared I will disappoint my husband, sister, and friends because I am somehow not enough. Scared I will make a mistake, I’ve learned to laugh off and let go of the little ones (a step in the right direction) but I fear doing something that I can’t fix. Scared that people will think I am not smart, talented or worthy.

Sometimes, I am so scared that my fears have fears but you know what? I still try. Every day is an act of bravery. I get up and do the best that I can with each day and some days are better than others. I’ve lived with this fear for so long that I have learned how to manage it most of the time. Like Banner, I can still function perfectly well, sometimes even exceptionally so because I have learned how to manage my feelings.

Fear is a stressor, a stimulus that causes stress or something that creates action. It’s all a matter of perception and expectations. The key to managing fear and stress is to be aware of your perceptions and expectations. Notice what you are afraid of and follow the logical path.

I had a little epiphany about fear when I was watching Tangled with my daughter one day. Yes, a Disney movie created a thought stream in my head that was profound, judge if you want. Rapunzel is conflicted because she wants to leave her tower and do something she has been dreaming about for years. When she finally leaves the tower she vacillates between being elated with the joy of freedom and wracked with guilt about letting her Mother down. Tangled

I thought to myself, we all build our own towers for different reasons but most of those towers stand on a foundation of fear. The question is, do we limit ourselves to an experience we feel safe with, our personal tower, or do we take a chance that what lies outside may hold the joy of freedom.

According to Joe Vitale, "A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot." Interesting words, scare and excite, a sort of double-edged sword. Think about it, we pay money to be scared riding roller coasters among other forms of recreation but we call it excitement. Measured stress, we anticipate it will be scary but still safe. The controlled loss of control creates the thrill.

Following that concept, life is a controlled loss of control. We feel that if we do this than we will get that. So much of our disappointment, stress and angst stems from our expectations. Being a parent makes this point so obvious, you’re stunned by the realization.  No matter how hard you try you cannot always control the parental ride and loosening your grip on the need to be in control almost assuredly eases the struggle. But it takes awareness and practice, a close look at your perceptions and expectations.  Perhaps giving yourself a friendly reality check and a reminder to use a bit less black & white thinking.

Most things are grey, a little fear, a little stress can be good things. Learning to recognize your triggers and cope with them are life skills everyone should have and the process is ongoing. So now you know my secret, what’s yours?