Good Grief

 
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Yesterday was a challenging day. It would have been Miss LeeLoo’s 16^th birthday and the three-week mark of saying goodbye to Corby. We sent two lanterns up to mark the occasion. Honestly, my day was mostly good but a friend posted the powerful Lady Gaga segment from the Academy Awards. Attacked and sexually assaulted as a teenager, it really struck a chord. It’s funny how something from your past can sneak up on you and bite you long after you thought you had moved on.

Later we watched Aloha, and the scene at the end where the daughter realizes who her father is hit me too. She is at a dance lesson and looks up to see she is being watched. As she continues to move, you see the realization come over her and she runs out of class to hug her father. I guess I always hoped my father would acknowledge me but that never happened.

Over the years the few that I have shared my story with have told me I’m a survivor and that is true. Sometimes, not too often but once in a while, I mourn what might have been. What would have happened if one of my parents had been capable of loving me? How would my life be if I were never attacked? Would I be the same person? Would I be braver, more confident, would anything be easier? I guess I’ll never know but sometimes I wonder who I might have been.

I once told a fiend that changing one thing could change everything. It is at the very least a ripple effect. Most of the time I am grateful for the struggles because I might not know how strong I am or can be. I try to focus on the positive and practice resilience, forgiveness and empathy, treating others as I wish to be treated.

The challenge is not to expect to be treated that way. At the very least, I hope I don’t inspire sympathy. I definitely do not appreciate people feeling sorry for me. Love me, like me, extend a kindness but please don’t pity me. I don’t even like me when I am feeling sorry for myself.

I am experienced at loss, having lost my mother and a sister, in-laws and our furry family members. Experience tells me I will get though the grieving blues and it won’t take long. Experience also tells me that it will come back but not as hard and at greater intervals.  

Grieving the loss of a loved one is something I understand. Grieving a part of yourself is another story altogether. I'm still working on that but I will get through it, I always do.