Love and Loss - a Tale of Two Pugs

My face is wet and I'm not even crying, at least not actively. But, there they are, fat wet tears rolling down my cheeks. Next to me is the object of my sadness, my sweet old Corby pug. The soft purr of his snore interrupted by a horrible gasping as he chokes and coughs seeking air. His trachea is collapsing and surgery is not a viable option at his age. My husband and I have the unenviable task of deciding when to say goodbye.

I still recall the first time I saw our boy. His soon-to-be Dad was sick that day and stayed home with Leeloo pug while I went to look at the male pug advertised in the paper. He and his brother had been purchased by a woman who, for whatever reason, couldn't keep them. The pups were vaccinated, neutered and even had papers. They were being sold by the brother of the owner and it took forever to find the place. The man lived in Cave Creek and there were no street signs or paved roads.

 

When I finally arrived, one pug, Fred, had already sold and was gone. In a circular play enclosure sat Barney all alone. He had a dry crusty nose, the cutest little face and a curly tail that listed left. I always fall for the under dog. Leeloo was the runt, Corby was the left over and Brody was a rescue. I asked very few questions, paid the man and scooped him up. He rode home on my lap (I know, not safe) farting all the way.

 

When I got home, Kevin renamed him Corbin. Yes, after the movie Fifth Element. Leeloo reluctantly played with him, then looked at me as if to say,"when's he going home?" She was after all, the supreme being. They would spend the next ten years together. Camping, road trips, moving several times and the addition of their human sister are some of the highlights.

 

We had a few scares over the years. There was the time that Corby got dragged by a horse after somehow wrapping his leash around her leg. Or the time he got away from me on a walk, chasing a bird with a different leash trailing behind him. Another time he rolled in something and his face swelled up. All in all, he was pretty easy though, with a laid back disposition to compliment Leeloo's sass.

 

We took him with us when we said goodbye to Leeloo so he could sniff her one last time. I held her little body as she took one last breath and went limp. I was so surprised, I almost dropped her. You would think a person with a degree in science and a better than average understanding of the body would have known what to expect, but she was my baby.

 

So, here we are again. Our daughter isn't sure she wants to be there when it is time. She was six the last time and we told her what would happen and gave her the option. She chose to come with us. She is ten now and already talking about another dog. My husband doesn't think he wants another dog and I can't even consider that now.

 

Corbin has been such an exceptional friend. A superior snuggler with a sweet demeanor and warm brown eyes like melted chocolate. I have walked him nearly every day, sometimes twice for over 14 years. I have played with, talked to and cried into his fur. My heart is heavy with the responsibility of choosing when to look into those eyes one last time.

 

Some people won't understand, but for a person like me, there is no greater love. My dogs may want food, exercise and to be loved, but even on my worst day they are still happy to see me when I come home. They don't care what I look like, if I have the right pieces of paper, am popular, stylish, clever or even what I say, though they do know and love the words "treat" and "walk". My dogs don't care if I stay up late, get up early, steal the blankets or take the last bite. Well, maybe that last one but otherwise, I am as perfect as I will ever be in the eyes of my pugs.

 

And so, I will do what I must because I love him and because I am strong, but I don't have to like it. I know others do understand but honestly, I don't feel like my pain is lessened by sharing it. It still hurts and will for an immeasurable amount of time. For now, it is time to put that sweet old guy in his dog stroller and go for a walk. He will feel the sun shine on his smooshy face for at least another day. He will dine on rotisserie chicken and have extra treats, because he is and has always been very good boy!