Thoughts

It was blustery this morning when I walked my dog. The sound of the leaves rustling broken only by the occasional tinkling of wind chimes. I saw no one else walking, only a few cars rumbled by in the dark. As has become usual, I used this time to shed a few tears and release the tension that feels like it might consume me. I am at my breaking point, bone weary and burnt out. It feels like every part of my life is at a tipping point. Midlife crisis? I don't know, but some of the things I am feeling are definitely exacerbated by my age. Both the physical and mental wear and tear of being around for fifty-two years.

I'm not depressed, (at least I don't meet the clinical definition for depression) but I'm not happy. I get up, take care of my family, go to work, lather rinse, repeat. I exercise, meditate, eat healthfully, take workshops and classes. I still find joy in nature, movement, and spending time connecting with others but I'm bored, stuck and more than a little resentful. The role of caregiver is complete bullshit made worse by constantly being told how rewarding it is and how much you are appreciated. Words. Platitudes. Never mind fake news, insincere sentiments are soul crushing.

 

I am a big believer in fake it 'til you make it as a short term solution for managing feelings of insecurity and doubt but this has become so prevalent. Not only in my own life but in the lives of so many I know. Overeating, shopping too much, drinking too much, taking anti-depressants and in some cases all of the above. Sometimes we talk about it but mostly we just pretend it isn't so, diligently pressing on thinking we might make it if we fake it long enough.

 

I was talking with a friend the other day and I compared parenting to donating to charity. I usually try to donate anonymously for this reason. Nearly as soon as you donate to an organization, they will ask you to increase your contribution. That usually leaves you feeling like you are not enough, you didn't do as much or give as much as you could have. The good feelings associated with giving that science tells you contribute to your well being are lost. When you care, more is always asked of you and we usually rise to the occasion and give even when it feels like there is nothing left.

 

I have considered my own part in this as a highly sensitive person. I have been told that I think too much, feel too much and yes, am too sensitive. I have looked for ways too manage myself and, as my sister has noted, accommodate others. Perhaps I have accommodated myself into a corner? I try to talk to people about my feelings and lots of solutions are offered but rarely do I feel heard or understood. You should do this or have you tried that? Seriously? Do you even know me? In addition to thinking and feeling too much, I have also been told I try too hard. I know I am not the only one. Why is it so bad to say that marriage and raising children are hard and that there is a lot of suck between the pride and joy? Shouldn't acknowledging the challenges make you feel that much more successful when accomplishments are made?

 

I love Brené Brown and the idea of showing up and being vulnerable, but we live in a world where people will say that's great and then go back to pretending. Often when I try to have meaningful conversations I am met with resistance. It seems people don't want to hear the truth or at least not my truth. Maybe it's because if they acknowledge your truth they might have to search for their own? Personal accountability applied to mental health, emotions, and relationships? Blasphemy!

 

As a caregiver, I work hard to not be swallowed whole by my family responsibilities and martyr myself. It's a constant struggle. The mental load of evaluating situations for teachable moments, trying to remove any residual childhood trauma from your response and be in the moment is ridiculous. My husband has told me that I can not expect him to do things the way I do. I find that laughable because he doesn't even consider half the things I do, so why would I expect him to do things my way, let alone be aware of them?

 

That last statement makes me sad on so many levels. Care giving, by and large, still falls to women. Women also pursue careers as caregivers in teaching and nursing among other professions. As much as people talk about how valued care givers are, care giving professions, especially those without formal education, are often low paying. Parenting, of course, is the worst of these with no compensation at all. Life accelerates when you have a child, more so if you have a job. This is not a debate about whether it is better to be a stay at home Mom vs having a career. Some people have no choice and some do and no good can come from tearing each other down or comparing.

 

I once told a friend that there is something I admire or respect about every woman I know. No one is good at everything but we keep trying to have perfect family photos, clean houses, well-behaved children and Pinterest-worthy meals all while being charming, witty and having a hot body. If any or all of those things nurture your soul, by all means do them. If, however, you are keeping up with the virtual Joneses, consider your options. I know I have been thinking about my own role in feeling like I am disappointing others and here is what I've come up with:

 

I don't want to do things just because it is what is expected. I endeavor to be kind and considerate but I have a life too. I want to feel that I am making a difference, not only for my family but also my community and career. At the moment, it feels particularly challenging to make that happen. I need people to be real, honest and supportive. Please don't tell me being a Mom is the greatest job ever, it's not. It is, in my opinion,  the most important job, with the greatest risks, responsibility, and yes, rewards. I am making a solid attempt at raising a good human, and it is a lot of work. 

 

My village is small, my family in another state, I don't have a lot of help. I don't have a peer group. Friends my age have grown children, friends with kids my daughter's age are of a different generation. Nonetheless, I learn from both but my perspective is different. I have written before about perspective and expectations. I try to consider other perspectives and adjust my expectations but still have boundaries. Striking a balance is difficult at best but I choose to believe balance is possible. Rumi said, "life is a balance of letting go and holding on".

 

So far I have held on to my sanity and my sense of humor and tried to let go of my anger and resentment but it's a challenge. I don't have the earning power that my husband has but I want to feel like an equal partner not a subordinate. I don't want to be told I am in a world that shows me otherwise. I want actions and words to align more often than not. Believing that they can is what keeps me going. 

 

The notion that my daughter will live in a world that values your contribution regardless of the dollar value associated with it gives me hope. In the mean time, I'll keep doing the work, enjoying it when I can and feeding the fire with love, the only thing any of us have when it feels like there is nothing left to give.