Triggered

I, like many, am just about done with the Corona Virus, the shelter in place and the constant social media posts from friends and family about what you should be doing. Unlike many, but I could be wrong, I have reached a saturation point. I'm not trying to hide my head in the sand, I am trying to take care of my mental health. Here's the thing, everyone has different lives, resources, personalities and triggers. I have been hugely triggered by the circumstances as the source of my income has teetered dangerously close to disaster.

Job one, the biggest source of my income, was up in the air for nearly two weeks finally landing on the positive side with a good deal of effort and follow through from me and a couple of colleagues.  I was informed by job two that we were not allowed to file for unemployment because hours were available. Never mind that the hours are nothing like my usual job and that I had to hunt them down and schedule for myself. Job number three has been a pleasant surprise, rallying the team early on, organizing opportunities to work remotely and creating community in a divisive situation. Because there isn't a lot of work and the pay is reduced, we were encouraged to file for unemployment. The circumstances are pretty confusing.

I'm sharing my story because I think it's important to consider other perspectives and realities. When this started to become more serious, I felt scared. Less from a health perspective and more from a  security standpoint. I had just mentally committed to staying the course professionally. Reminding myself of all of the positives and talking myself through worst case scenarios. I never imagined a scenario where my choice of career was not essential. A big self worth trigger that has rattled the cage containing my issues and allowed some of them to escape.

Anxiety is something I have dealt with since I was a kid. Worsening through my teen years and improving dramatically as I found work and could take care of myself. The term is general anxiety disorder, a fairly garden variety mental health issue. I don't have phobias, have never had a full blown panic attack and have learned a multitude of ways to manage my stress and anxiety. Deep breathing, meditation and thought stopping are my go to methods and I like to clean things, which works well right now.

I've been leaning hard on these tools as economic security and personal finances are unstable due to the current unknowns of this novel virus. I've shared with some that I grew up in poverty. Food and shelter were unpredictable. We were evicted at least a half dozen times that I can recall. It's hard to describe the feeling of coming home from school to find a pad lock and a sheriff's notice on your door. Not knowing where you are going to live. Probably having to go to, yet another, school and having all of your possessions impounded are very anxiety inducing events.

Surprisingly, I am not one to hoard food but I also hate to waste it. I will eat the same thing for days to avoid throwing food away. People are usually shocked to discover that I have dumpster dived, eaten at the Rescue Mission, stood in line for government cheese and got free lunch at school. I am so glad that schools and other institutions recognize and are working on feeding impoverished children during this crisis.

So, I'm alright. I have what I need and am still working, mostly from home. I have savings. This is not a request for help. It is just an honest account of my feelings and perceptions as I navigate the new normal. I offer my perspective because it's important to remember that people see things differently for many reasons. Experiences, environment, personality, emotional and financial support all factor into how we cope. A little empathy goes a long way towards inclusion. We can't simply say we are in this together. We must reach through the barrier of isolation and actually get through this together.

As well-intentioned as the virtual (social distancing) conversations and comments are, they are starting to feel very negative. It's as though we can bully people into doing the right thing. There are of course, some flagrant offenders. The religious rebel, the spring break over sensibility sort, and even the less than spatially aware every day offenders. Most people are doing the best they can to minimize their impact.

If you have the resources or the requirement to shelter in, please do. I am not being cavalier about this but some people still have to work and that includes some that would rather shelter in. That includes parents that are doing the best they can to keep little bodies and minds entertained without playgrounds, libraries and even backyards. (Thank goodness my kid is a teenager that already practiced social distancing in her room!) Going to the grocery store is necessary and sometimes you have to go to more than one. Ordering take out isn't an option for everyone. A little grace and a kind gesture goes a long way toward feeling like we are in this together.

I have spoken to several people about where this will go, how far and what sort of outcome we might see. One thing is common, if you don't agree and follow the rules you are prolonging the agony. I am not arguing that we should be dancing in the streets but what is being done is clearly not enough. The lack of unity in the United States makes it hard to see an end to this event. I think that is the biggest challenge for me personally, the uncertainty. Not knowing when or if I will be able to go back to anything resembling normal life.

In the mean time I think we should ask ourselves before we hit "post" who is the audience you are trying to reach? I know it feels good to do something but I think we've exhausted the impact on the people we are connected to socially. I am an advocate of looking for the positive but feel shaming people with positivity should never be okay.  This article resonated with me, maybe it will with you too? Motivation Myths 

For now, I need to take a social media break. I will continue to use my professional page(s) to try and help people keep moving, stay connected and hopefully, have something to look forward to. I will continue taking my dog for walks and enjoying the beauty of nature and the kindness of strangers in the face of adversity. Here is a collection of the kindness rocks I have encountered while walking. I never touch them. Not just because I'm not touching anything I don't need to but because I want someone else to be surprised and delighted by a little bit of nice. We all need some of that!