Fudge...only I didn't say fudge!

Weary. It's a nice word to describe how very tired I am. Morning comes earlier it seems, and it must, if I want to make sure my dog gets her walk before it's nuclear, I need to get out by 5:30 am. Up until Sunday, it was somewhat cool and tolerable but the repetitive high heat days have caught up to us. Soon the overnight low will be the high temperature in many places. Today, it was 90 degrees at 5 am. I filled my dog water bottle and set out for the last walk before my trip.

I am visiting California to support my sister and pay tribute to my brother-in-law who recently passed. Though I want to be there, I feel incredibly nervous about the trip. In spite of the fact that I love being in, and seeing different places, I have never enjoyed getting there. Travel seems like a necessary evil and nothing more.This was my perspective prior to Covid. Now, with masks and conflict over what one should or shouldn't do, it feels even more arduous.

I love my sister and I loved my brother-in-law and am showing up for both but I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge how much anxiety I feel. I have a small village to help me through. My daughter will be watching the pets, with her father and two of my closest friends as back up. I have distributed keys and instructions because when you are anxious, your back up plans have back up plans.

So, here I am. Stepping outside my comfort zone. Not making excuses. Showing up. Honestly, I am also struggling to understand why a person like me can not seem to fit into the world. Since my husband and I separated, I have applied to more than a dozen jobs. I have gotten interviews for maybe half and been rejected for all. What's that about? Am I too old, too experienced? Not the right fit? No one says, just anonymous rejections. They are both hard and feel oddly normal after a lot of very specific personal rejections.

I am trying to focus on the people that see value in me, both professionally and personally. You know what? Some pretty great people think I am worthy. Sad as it may sound, I am hanging on to that and trying to choose the people that choose me. I love my complicated family. I appreciate my diverse, intelligent and capable friend group. Those groups are small, but none the less worthy. There are a multitude of students and clients that have reached out to and supported me through a very strange time.

My friends, I hope that you know the value you bring to my life. Your unerring support has been invaluable through a difficult time and I so appreciate your trust. I know I say it often, but really, can you be too grateful?