Gifted

Yesterday after I taught my third and final class of the morning, one of my students came up and said, "you were a gifted child weren't you?" I replied that the school I went to didn't have a gifted program but that my daughter was gifted. She responded by saying she thinks I have all the markers and it's genetic, so she's sure I was a gifted child! She didn't clarify what those "markers" were but I'm familiar with most. I read all about it when Abby was identified as gifted and I could tell one of her kids is gifted and she is in the same place. Reading everything you possibly can to figure out how to help them learn in a way that allows them to develop and grow in the best possible way for them.

I did have many of the markers but we didn't stay in one place long enough for me to do much of anything at school, though I tried. I attended four elementary schools, two middle schools and three high schools. I still managed to participate in band, choir, drill team and play several sports. I liked participating and getting out of the house and, until high school, most things were free or inexpensive. I did almost everything on my own. Over the years, my Mom bought me a pair of soccer cleats, my sister helped with costumes, and my brother gave me a pair of leg warmers. Mom never saw a game, concert or performance of mine with the exception of my sister's Jr High talent show that I performed in with her. I was in third grade. 

Part of the reason I am still in Arizona is because I would never make a power play and try to move my daughter while she's in school. She will have gone to one school for elementary, one for middle and one high school. Providing stability for her is so important to me. I have missed only one event that my former husband attended. Abby, like me, has done a bit of everything; spelling bees, band, choir and theatre at school. All types of movement classes, musical theatre and drama outside of school. She has even been in two local commercials! She found a home as a thespian and enjoys production as well as performance.

I have endeavored to give her lots of opportunities to figure out what she likes but have tried not to push her into what I liked. She has never played sports other than in PE, and though she loves to dance, she prefers acting and singing. She is, however, interested in Psychology (my BA degree) as a career and we regularly discuss the topic. 

Recently, while speaking with a student at another place I teach, I mentioned that I have worked to guide but not steer Abby in a particular direction. We were talking about religion and politics and I said I think it is important to let them decide what they think but help them clarify and reason their ideas. He said it was amazing that I value her autonomy.

One benefit of growing up with no direction is that I got to choose for myself. To explore, evaluate and determine my direction. I want that for Abby. I feel that providing a framework while allowing children to be individuals is the crux of parenting. Teaching them how to think, not what to think. I know I played (and still do) a role but the child has to be allowed to participate too. We have a lot of good conversations but we also have hard ones.

This week, I had to define a boundary, to call out unacceptable behavior. If you're familiar with parenting styles, mine is authoritative parenting styles. Not to be confused with authoritarian. So after discussing the behavior and asking her to respect my boundaries and why, we were good. I'm embarrassed to admit, I cried. She really hurt my feelings and I am emotionally spent but we're okay. Some of the qualities of a gifted child that Abby possesses are:

• Ability to comprehend material several grade levels above their age peers.
• Surprising emotional depth and sensitivity at a young age.
• Rapid learner; puts thoughts together quickly.
• Advanced comprehension of word nuances, metaphors and abstract ideas.
  

She exhibited these qualities early on and we have always discussed things, rather than me telling her. When she was younger, I would give her two choices and ask her why she chose one. As an example, after a birthday party at the bounce house, she said she wanted to have her next birthday there. I asked her if she wanted to have a two hour party at the bounce house or a two day trip to Sea World? The cost was pretty similar. She chose the trip! I'm also trying to instill a sense of financial value.

Recently, Abby has begun practice driving with me. She house sat for me when I went to California for a funeral. I am practicing letting go and allow her to spread her wings and become a young adult. Today was tough for me though. She wanted to hang out at the mall with her friends to celebrate a birthday. Obviously, amidst a pandemic there are concerns but remove all of that and it is still challenging. 

The mall in question is known to have a diverse population that does not always embrace that diversity in a positive way. Abby chose to wear a very cute but somewhat provocative outfit. Honestly, it was pretty tame, but I worry. We talked about this a long time ago. I told her, she could wear whatever she wants outside of school but I might not like it. I refuse to shame her but I do tell her that if she chooses to dress a certain way, she must be prepared for negative attention. While I don't believe anyone should give unsolicited comments about a persons' appearance, and I definitely do not think anyone has the right to touch you without your express permission, being prepared to handle that is the reality of being female.

I wanted to walk her in to meet her friends, but it was a hard pass for her. I dropped her off and waited until she was inside. I hung out and texted before I drove away. I can't help worrying, she is my baby but I know I have to let her go. So I try to strike a balance. I never want her to feel alone, or afraid to call me. Maybe I overcompensate but I try to live in the current reality even though I am influenced by my own experiences. I was left in so many scary and dangerous situations as a child. As I drove away, I felt a little emotional. Not unlike her first day of school, when the change in our reality due to outside circumstances was palpable.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. Being a parent is the ultimate sacrifice. Prioritizing another human, growing, and loving them but also teaching boundaries and respect. And above all, modeling the behaviors you wish your child(ren) to cultivate is not for the faint of heart, a short attention span or a lack of endurance. It is not the best job you will ever have but it is the most important. Being a highly sensitive parent, easily overwhelmed and overstimulated adds an extra layer of difficulty. But when she tells me the details of her day, the scoop on her friends, all about her life. When she knows she is safe and loved even if I don't like or agree with some of what I hear. I dare to think, just maybe, I got it right!