What a Week!

For the most part, this was a good week. On Monday, I defined a boundary, declined an "opportunity" and felt good about drawing a line in the sand regarding my professional self worth! I also made sure an advocate, friend and colleague knew how much I appreciated the work they did, the friendship and professional support prior to asserting myself. That mattered more to me because I knew the other wouldn't make a difference to anyone besides me. I wasn't wrong.

Tuesday I got to visit with a friend and former colleague I admire and respect. I hope that one day we can work together because I feel like we compliment one another really well. Wednesday was another day of stepping forward into the land of "single". My former spouse and I finally signed off on car titles. My car is mine. Unfortunately, the two year registration I paid for needed to be renewed even though it doesn't expire until 2023. That meant more money. It felt good to decline his offer to pay the difference. I know, pride comes before the fall.

Thursday, I got to visit with another friend and colleague. It feels good to connect after a long period of isolation. It also feels good to know that other people in the fitness world are bouncing back after more than a year of being non-essential at best and lethal at worst. We shared stories and made plans to move forward even though the world is still in an unpredictable place.

On Friday while teaching the third group class of the morning, one of the reformers broke. It's hard not to lose your momentum and keep a class of 12 going while troubleshooting. I did my best, made people laugh and the one reformer functional. People were appreciative and I slid under said reformer and went to work after class. I was able to fix the problem but still texted the interim manager and next instructor to give them the scoop. The front desk admin asked me if I knew how to do everything? Hardly, but it was a nice compliment. 

We got to talking and I shared that I had learned to be a self-sufficient problem solver at a young age. After more questions she looked at me and said, I can't believe it, your story sounds like a movie. I don't mind sharing my story. It has taken a long time to not be ashamed of where I come from or what I have been through. I know I should feel pride rather than shame but the world is fickle and people don't always respond the way you think or hope they will. 

I finished the Friday with a dinner and movie date with another wonderful friend. I am trying to focus on the good, the people who choose me and the gratitude I feel for these fantastic humans. Though I focus on the positive, the negative must be acknowledged. Not because I am a pessimist but because I am a realist that sees the whole glass.

Saturday started off on a good note. I had a small but appreciative group class followed by an even better private session. I truly do enjoy helping people, answering questions and guiding individuals toward what works for them. So after my morning work, I met up with a long time friend and mentor for brunch. We talked for a long time catching up with what was happening in our lives. I had an emotional moment but pulled it together until she told me how much she admired the person I am. Damn! Why is it so hard to take a compliment?

On my way home, feeling satisfied both physically and emotionally I encountered a bird. It came out of nowhere while I was driving on one of the many streets with a 45 mile per hour speed limit. This mourning dove seemed to be on a kamikaze mission and ran right into my windshield. My former spouse used to tell me I would end up killing myself and whoever was in the car to save a bird. Not true, I know how to prioritize life, I just feel bad doing so. I cried all the way home.

Saturday evening, it began to feel warm and I realized the A/C was crapping out. I opened the windows, turned the fan up and moved another to my bedroom. It was a miserable night and I texted my landlord Sunday morning to let him know what was going on. I had already advised him earlier Saturday that the garage door opener was broken and felt bad about another issue but he came right away.

I went to Target and bought another portable fan and managed to hold my virtual book club meeting and make it through another warm night. Thankfully the rain has kept the temperatures lower than usual. The house has been between 82 and 84 degrees. I am waiting to find out when something will be done now that it's Monday. I have let my dog sitter know I may need to leave Poppy with her and contacted friends for a place to stay just in case.

I'm good at handling life but I'm tired. My therapist assures me I am doing all the right things to manage; reaching out to friends, eating healthfully, exercising, meditating, etc. I thanked her and said I can't help feeling sorry for myself sometimes and I hate that. Then she told me something magical. She said I have every right to feel sorry for myself and it's okay to have those feelings. Of course I know it's not a place to stay but I guess I needed permission.

We live in a world that promotes looking on the bright side, stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on. I do all of those things but sometimes I just want to let off steam and share my angst. Mostly, I don't because everyone has their own struggles and people seem uncomfortable hearing about others. Humor is my friend. I make jokes about the challenge of adulting so people can laugh in acknowledgement without being uncomfortable. I've heard rumors that I don't have to do that but so far I can't confirm.