Turn, Turn, Turn

Remember this song Turn, turn, turn? I felt like this song was a reflection of my day a couple weeks back. The baby pic with the pineapple popped up in my Facebook memories (a blessing and a curse). Abby was a little over 4 weeks premature. The first place we took her was my sister's house. She was so small and we thought the pineapple really showed just how tiny she was. 

The night before the memory popped up she had her high school homecoming, she's16 and has a boyfriend! Who would have guessed? I love her boyfriend, and where she is at for the most part. It's not always easy but it is always real. The truth is, many hard conversations have been had. Boundaries have been established and more work to hold the line on both of the above has happened. Often a friend asks a question I don't have the answer to, or want to give. A colleague wants to know x, y, z. I do my best to be honest and open while honoring the privacy of my daughter.

What I will say is that she had a mental health crises and the road has been bumpy and challenging. Though many have been supportive, I have also had a lot of insensitive questions. When we only see our frame of reference, it can be hard to empathize or show compassion. Life is different than when you were a teen. If you are comparing your non-tech, pre-Covid life to now, then you are out of touch. Am I to blame? I'm sure I own a piece of this but any parent knows you can do everything you know how to do and still fall short. A person is a complex bundle of nature, nurture, personality and experience. There is only so much we can control. 

I choose to focus on the positive. My kid has an enviable GPA even as she struggles with the Honors & AP courses. People do not fit in neat little boxes. My child is bright and was identified as gifted many years ago. Unfortunately, when gifted programming was not available she was placed in all honors. Those are very different categories with a different mind and skill set.

Throw in puberty, divorce and a pandemic and you might begin to understand the struggle. You also might want to point out your own struggles as a teen, how you overcame, and ask what is wrong with kids today? I must remind you that what we dealt with is magnified by social media and the constant presence of your friends and the world. Do you remember leaving school and not seeing, hearing or being with your classmates until the next day? That no longer exists.

You may be tempted to ask why they are on social media, calling out their addictive nature or the parental control. In response, I would like to ask about your own social media use, in terms of time as well as tone? I have a strict set of rules that are super challenging to enforce because many parents have given up. I don't blame them, it's a constant struggle.

Here's what I do- phone is turned in Sunday through Thursday (school nights) at 10 pm. Phone may stay in room on the weekends as long as my child can be up and functional by 10:00 am. 1 sleep over per month (she is a zombie after) at most. A set curfew, no phone at the dinner table and an abundance of boundaries that are identified as personal and time management, not a punishment. It's a lot of work to stay consistent, especially when I only have her part time.

Recently, my former spouse asked me what our schedule was and I shared the above. I don't know what he will do but I can tell you that it feels like no one values my efforts or they think they know better. But, on an evening stroll not long ago, my daughter actually thanked me for the consistency. She said she knew and understood the rules when she's with me. Parenting is not a competitive sport, but there are times that it feels that way. As a mother who has given up every stability offered by marriage, it's nice to feel like the little stability I can offer is appreciated.

The harsh truth is that we say the work of a mother is invaluable and the dollar amount is easily over $150,000.00. In the day to day, no one actually cares. Though my husband and I agreed that I would be the primary care giver, when push came to shove, he felt comfortable vetoing me.