Last night I watched a movie with my 16-year-old daughter. Just the two of us and it was her idea. Though I had told my sister we could talk, I focused my energy and attention on my daughter and the movie letting the call go to voicemail. It is not often you are the priority in the life of a teenage girl with a boyfriend. Go me! I'll be honest, I had been feeling a little sorry for myself. My girl spent some extra time at her Dad's and even though I understood, in my head I could hear my former spouse telling me that "I'm not fun." Worse, I now hear it in my own voice and fear hearing it from my daughter.
We had a conversation not long ago where I defined a boundary telling her it was not acceptable to put me last on her list. We had made plans on more than one occasion that she changed at the last minute to do something with friends. I told her I did not appreciate her last minute changes and that it kind of hurt my feelings. She responded by assuring me that was not her intent and telling me that she knew I would always be there. In other words, I would love her no matter what.
Of course we had a conversation about emotional blackmail and the reality that I would not always be there (not a guilt trip but true) if our story followed a natural course. I can't say I felt a lot better afterward, but our exchange was honest and open and I shared what I felt was acceptable behavior toward me. She seemed to understand and acknowledge my feelings. I've had a lot of rejection and challenges since my divorce and I can't help but feel a little worse for the wear. It's hard to speak honestly, be the adult, but not the authoritarian. I have always preferred an authoritative parenting style. Parenting styles
After the movie, I got ready for bed and went to her room to say goodnight. She was talking with her Dad & his new girlfriend and my hand hung in the air as I was about to knock on her door. I walked away hearing her tell them she loved them both and feeling a bit crushed. This is the second girlfriend since our divorce and my daughter seems to like her. When push comes to shove, that is all that really matters but the truth is, it bothers me that a stranger gets the same amount of time with my child as I do.
It bothers me that her Dad was in another state visiting his new girlfriend while I spent a sleepless night in the emergency room when our child had a mental health crises. I was held accountable for not texting him sooner and that is our relationship in a nutshell. My choices are questioned, his are untouchable. Fast forward two short months and the new girl is moving in. Though it didn't seem right, I never questioned his timing, his responsibility, or motivation. I wondered but instead wished him the best. He didn't tell me her name but then again he dated the first gal for eight months or so and we encountered one another at a couple of theater performances, but I was not introduced.
So, I simply ask my child if she likes her and if living together is going well? I try not to pump her for information but must admit, it takes a lot of maturity and emotional control. Mostly because I am insatiably curious and I still have an overriding feeling of WTF from the experience that was my twenty-four year marriage. I will say I don't like going to my old house where former spouse, new girlfriend and child (part-time) reside. Seeing the cute additions she has made to the yard hurts. Not because I am jealous but because, had I added a garden flag or really anything, it would have been ridiculed.
Unsurprisingly, I didn't sleep well. I fell asleep early and woke up in the middle of the night. It wouldn't have mattered, I rarely sleep well. I can do all the right things in terms of sleep hygiene and still wake up tired. It's been over a decade of dealing with this. No real help from my doctors, old or new. I have tried everything and have discovered waiting it out to be the best method. Usually by the third night my body can't take anymore and I get some sleep.
I am sure lack of sleep is a big factor in my mood as well as my overall health and weight gain. As a health professional, knowing too much may be another stressor, ugh! I make an effort to do the right things but I don't always make the grade. So, I try to find joy where I can and movement is and always has been key. I walk my sweet pug twice daily. Usually a long walk in the morning and a short one in the evening. Sometimes my schedule or the weather causes me to flip flop our walks and occasionally, a second walk is mitigated by triple digits.
Today we set out heading toward the light of the silvery moon. If you are lucky enough to witness the phases of the moon, you appreciate how quickly time passes. Just a few short days ago, it was a big full, glorious moon and today it was obviously waning. After my pug does her business, our walk is pretty focused. Sometimes I stop and take a picture of the sunrise, nature or whatever catches my eye. I use my old iPhone 8 and am not a photographer but I like to share the simple pleasures of my daily walks. Today I chose to just enjoy the experience.
When I started off, the pearl grey light of dawn was just beginning to show and I headed east toward the waning moon. As I made my loop I saw small clouds that were nearly perfect cotton candy tufts in both color and size. Full circle and the dawn sky was an array of colors that mimicked rainbow sherbet. As egrets flew overhead, the sunrise bathed their under sides in a golden peach color and I allowed myself to bask in the awe of nature. Seeing the beauty in the world, especially after the last couple of years, feels like a gift.
It is this and the love of friends, family and appreciation of students and clients that have carried me with support in the form of kind words, attendance and opportunities. If you have ever wondered if your words matter, they do and I hope mine have as well. It is a busy, disconnected world and these last years have been incredibly strange and difficult. As much as I have reached out and shared with those in my circle, those in my circle have reciprocated and that has meant the world to me.
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