Weekend Update

I was so looking forward to this weekend. Last weekend I worked on Saturday and had three social commitments on Sunday. Though I enjoy my work and my friends, it was a busy weekend for an HSP. If you are unfamiliar with the term, it stands for highly sensitive person HSP. Some may see themselves as empaths and indeed, you can be both- HSP vs Empath. Though I identify more as an HSP, I do tend to absorb subtle energy from other people and the environment. In small, controlled doses, I believe this makes me a better person, teacher, trainer, and friend. 

So, this weekend, I had only one client scheduled Saturday morning and was looking forward to a little down time. I have also been struggling with recurring muscular back pain and planned to do a little self care. Just before my client arrived, I saw there was a voicemail from one of the places I am employed. After listening to the message I was completely agitated. They were wondering where I was because I was scheduled to teach that morning. It was not on my schedule.

For the record, I keep three calendars. A digital calendar on my computer that syncs with my phone, an old school day planner and a dry erase board on the wall above my computer. I do this because I work in multiple places and like to make certain I know what my commitments are and if I have space to sub or adjust to accommodate clients. 

I called back and got a voicemail. I left a message apologizing profusely. When my client arrived, she could see I was visibly upset and immediately hugged me. I love her! She didn't try to fix me, she just let me know she cared. As soon as I was able, I checked my emails and saw that I had never said I would sub on Saturday 7/2 because the sub requests did not begin until the week of the fourth. I went through a multitude of email exchanges to be sure I hadn't made a mistake. I spoke to the supervisor on duty and followed up with an email and screen shot of the classes I agreed to sub in the email thread. Though I handled as much as I could, it is a holiday weekend and I am unlikely to hear back from anyone. 

The whole situation has fueled my anxiety as I wonder how many people showed up? That both co-workers and students alike think I let them down. I don't know what happened, who was set to teach and with no resolution, the (unlikely) possibility I screwed up is hard to shake. I employed all my skills, reassuring myself that I can only control my response, that I did the best I could, that the situation would be sorted, etc. Eventually the agitation dissipated.

Amidst the internal chaos of the circumstances, I completed all of my usual Saturday chores including washing all of my bedding as well as the dog. I finished a rather amusing book, The Patron Saint of Second Chances and did my best to relax and recharge. I slept okay and awoke somewhat rested. I fantasize about deep restorative sleep. A friend told me recently that she did not have a television in her bedroom to help with sleep. I replied that yes, the bedroom is suppossed to be for sleep and sex only and I wasn't getting either (but only sad about one)! She (and everyone else I shared this with) laughed. I so love connecting with and finding humor in the goofiness of life. How else does one survive with any sanity or humanity?

On Sunday, after completing my morning routine and nearly ready to walk my pug, I returned to my bedroom to discover the dog throwing up on my bed and freshly washed bedding. Dismay is the best word to describe my feelings. Sorry my girl was in distress but also, that the work of the previous day was for naught! I cleaned up, evaluated the damage and got started on rectifying the situation. Poppy & I left for our walk about 6ish. It was a hot, sticky walk and despite having plenty of water, I worried about my girl and did everything I could to keep her comfortable. We stayed in the shade, walked on wet grass, through the sprinklers and of course, she drank the water I brought.

We arrived home and I waited before starting breakfast, giving her time to cool down. I boiled chicken to add to her dry food and the water spilled over on my stove the floor and me before I could remove it from the heat. Totally my fault for not lowering the heat sooner and getting distracted. Of course, I go into cleaning overdrive! No one wants salmonella or gross chicken juice on their floor, appliances or person. A three step process involving soap & water, disinfecting wipes and removal of all fabrics touched (clothes, sponge, paper towels, hand towels) either disposed of or washed left me feeling like I was moving in the right direction.

I had a mellow rest of the morning, enjoying a new book before taking my daughter shopping and hanging out a bit. She wanted to do a Pilates workout and I obliged. I try not to lecture or push people about the benefits of exercise, especially family. They know what I do and will sometimes ask for direction. I am occasionally more pointed if I think that their quality of life will be negatively impacted and that conversation needs to happen. After shopping, working and hanging out, her father (she's with him currently) came to pick her up for more shopping.

Before my daughter left, I decided to complete one of the many small nagging projects on my list. I have a tiny set of yoga gnomes and one of the little dudes hands had broken off. I got out the Crazy Glue. If you've used Crazy Glue at any point in your life, you anticipate gluing your fingers together and not being able to use that tube again because it is glued shut. So, after successfully gluing my gnomes little hand to my own, my daughter came to help. Of course, hilarity ensued but eventually the task was completed and we both managed to get our own fingers apart!

This is life... messy, funny, frustrating, sometimes wonderful and sometimes incredibly unfair. I take the best, try to handle the worst and enjoy as much as I can but it's not always easy. The hard part is managing the expectations of others. I find so many seek someone to blame and as a person that is willing to own my mistakes (and sometimes more responsibility/accountability than is mine to bear) people take advantage. We learn and grow (hopefully) but sometimes we are not in the optimal environment for either. As often as possible I remind myself to be grateful. Life is a practice. Growth is not possible without struggle. The best we can do, is to be aware, kind and open. The alternative is far less appealing.