First Day of School-Senior Edition

Four weeks ago today was the first day of school for my daughter. She has begun her senior year and I  could not stop crying. I thought I was over it and ready to make a joke while teaching a class. I love making people laugh, feeling like they are not the only one and building connection. I guess it was too soon because I choked up when I said it, and my eyes began to well. I pulled it together, hoping I didn't make anyone too uncomfortable.

On her first day of school, kindergarten August 2009, I cried when I dropped her off and stayed home for the entire school day in case something happened, or she needed me. I wanted to be close just in case. I repeated this every first day until fourth grade when I managed not to cry for the first time. 1st Day 4th Grade Parenting is hard for everyone and being a sensitive person that had one parent unable to care for her children has put this over-thinker into analyzing overdrive more times than I care to count.

I didn't want children. I know myself well and knew it would challenge me because I care so much about everything. I felt certain I would be overwhelmed. Our daughter came along ten years into my marriage. My husband and I had a couple of bumpy years in the beginning but felt we were in a good place when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a casual attempt and we agreed that if I was pregnant before I turned 40, it was meant to be. A couple of months after I turned 39, I was pregnant and terrified.

Not long ago, I was speaking with a friend about motherhood. She chose not to have children and asked if I felt good about changing my mind? I told her as soon as I held my girl, I was overwhelmed by the responsibility but also enamored by the wonder. I knew it was right. My husband regularly suggested "putting that baby down" but I hardly did. I would hold her and sing and dance and cry. It just felt so big and real. I wanted to give her everything!

I started reading to my daughter before she was born and never kicked the pugs out of my bed so she would know the sounds and feel of her little canine family. I put her in a sling and took her on walks with the dogs as soon as I could. Everything I read encouraged all of the above and since I didn't know from example, I studied. Aside from multiple books, I have taken courses in parenting as well as studies in my disciplines of psychology and health. I wanted to be the best Mom I could but sometimes I still fall short. There is no formula for success, you learn as you go.

So, I wondered what was wrong with me? It's not that I'm afraid of losing her. One of the only benefits of divorce is learning to live without her half the time. Then it struck me! I have taken her to school on her first day for the last twelve years but today, she was with her Dad. I sent her the YouTube video from Finding Nemo which I have played for her every first day of school but in person. I have taken a picture of her each year but today I didn't get to. I do have the photo she took with her best friend the day before school started at the Senior Sunrise in Papago Park. I love her friend Kaitlyn and am so happy they have a friendship that started in kindergarten and has endured the the years since.

My marriage and subsequent divorce have destroyed me and been hard on our daughter. I don't hate my former spouse, he just makes me feel sad, we just see things so differently. I was a little hesitant in the beginning of our relationship. He was so exuberant and I was much more reserved. Once I felt I could trust him, I was all in. He jokingly called me a greedy little love monger, and I was. I was not hugged or told I was loved as a child and it was hard not to be enamored by the feeling of being loved. I had never been so adored, so appreciated, it was intoxicating but it didn't last. I knew it was normal to settle after the honeymoon phase but it seemed I was the only one.

Fast forward to the present. When my daughter was still at my house, she came into my room, got in my bed, put her head on my shoulder and bawled her eyes out. As she soaked my pajama top, I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was sad. Sad about the passing of her Grandpa and her Uncle and just a sadness she couldn't articulate. I told her it was okay to feel sad, to cry and let it out. I won't presume that she, or anyone else for that matter, is feeling the same as me. But,  I sense a sadness in many. A grieving of a life we thought we knew and understood pre-pandemic, before isolation, death, divorce and all other possible challenges.

I was just getting used to and managing my own post-divorce normal when Covid came along. I went into overdrive as my income sources disappeared one by one. Often people will comment that you're a survivor and yes, I am because the alternative isn't good. So, I checked in with people, made videos and tried to stay connected. It felt incredibly weird but so many people were amazing and supportive, especially my friends. Here we are two years later dealing with the long term effects of chronic stress. I can't tell you how many of my students/clients say, "I don't know what's wrong with me" and I feel the same.

I am burnt out and exhausted. I am doing the exact same thing I did when I started in the fitness industry...teaching in multiple places. The difference is, I am 56, not 23 and back then you might get a phone call to sub a class but now the emails, texts and apps you are expected to put on your own device require so much more work. I have often said that accessibility and ease are not the same thing when it comes to technology, but people merely smile and nod. I think differently than most and that does not make me feel superior, it makes me feel separate. So many employers say they want people that think outside the box but also seem to want you to do so from inside the box. Luckily, there are some that appreciate my different thought process.

For a while I tried to apply for full time jobs. The idea of working for one employer seemed like a good solution but I couldn't make it happen. Even employers I worked for seemed to be looking for something other than great employee and or student evaluations, familiarity with the organization, years of service or continuing education. Part of the problem is that this industry is geared toward the young and hungry. Those that are willing to say yes to anything and burn themselves out only to be replaced by another group in the same place. I am neither young or hungry. The other challenge is that so many fitness people are a second income, a place I used to be. When you have to find your own health insurance (rarely is that available as a part time employee or independent contractor) maintain liability insurance, yadda, yadda. We can make a decent hourly income but it comes with costs of wear and tear on the body, continuing education, insurance, etc.

Recently, an opportunity has presented itself with a current employer. It is something I have wanted to do for a while and the path is laid out. I am so tired, so burnt and so lacking in faith in myself that I am not sure what to do. I thought I had a person. Someone who had my back and supported me. Though I have amazing people in my life, I don't have a person to hold me, remind me I am not alone and shore up the courage it takes to move forward. I miss having a partner but realize now that I was always seeing the best in my spouse while he was seeing the opposite.

Today, it all came to a head. Me keeping it together and trying to move forward alone in a pandemic world and parent my child in a post divorce reality. My beautiful, wonderful child has been struggling with both. Sadly, there are those that have little or no compassion. Last year when we were challenged with mental health issues, I was asked "what is wrong with kids today?". Guess what? Our children live in a different time than we did. They may have similar issues but in different circumstances. Our inability to recognize and have compassion divides us.

And that seems to be the current theme: we are divided. I am grieving the loss of connection. The sadness I feel that I haven't seen or don't even know what has happened to some of my students and colleagues. I am so very sad that the opinions people have about the pandemic years have divided us further. Not because I need to cut those with different opinions off, but because in order to maintain some relationships, I have to edit myself. Because agreeing to disagree is far less common than alienation. I do it because I love those people but guess what? I also withdraw. Here's the deal- I don't understand a world that seems to embrace diversity and inclusion while also seeming to encourage cancel culture. I can't understand feeling angry that your rights are infringed upon and then perpetuating and revoking the rights of others.

These are hard issues, social challenges. But, when we we choose to make uncertainty certain, we lose a little bit of our humanity and I am not okay with that. So, I cried today. My child, in spite of being a young senior, is on the cusp of adulthood. This summer she started her first job, got her driving permit and chose to take on the responsibility of a pet. On the way back from the vet, I told her she would need to be responsible for her bunny's food (hay) and bedding. She was surprised! I said I knew we (her father and I) would always have her back but she has to understand what having a pet entails. I paid for both vet visits and they were not cheap. Side note- I find it humorous that a domestic rabbit sees a vet that specializes in exotic animals.

Lessons are difficult to teach because it is not just about the lesson, it is about the timing. I try to figure it out and do the best by my kid but honestly, I don't always get it right. That is hard for me because I would lay down my life in a heartbeat if I thought it would help. But I am also the parent that hears the justification from my girl that she believes I will always be there for her and she feels safe with me. As much as I love to hear it and know it is true, it is only true for as long as I am here. I will not always be here. As an older Mom, I know it's possible that my life may end before my child is settled, ready. Honestly, is anyone ever?

When my Mom passed, the hardest thing was knowing we were out of time. There was no hope that we would connect. No possible future, only our past. The truth is, none of her children got what they needed but I don't think she ever did either. That makes me so sad for all of us. It also triggers my empathy for a woman I barely knew but loved none-the-less. A person with so much promise and so little opportunity. She could definitely be cruel and it was hurtful and confusing. As an adult, I can understand this, forgive and consider how those experiences have influenced the person I am.

I see so many heartfelt tributes from friends to parents that have passed and I so hope that is their truth and the love they can hold close when they are feeling lost. As open as I am, I keep some things close. My Mother was a conflicted and complicated human but I believe she tried and loved her children to the best of her ability. It was definitely not enough but her own childhood circumstances were less than ideal. It might sound like I am making excuses for her behavior but I am not. Recognizing the challenges that the people you love have faced is not an excuse for their behavior. It is an acknowledgement that you can not always change or define their past, no matter how much you love them. Just like you can not always predict or control the future for yourself, or your children but you can show up and be there.