Comings and Goings

Wednesday 3/29 was full of adulting! I had lab work early in the morning (the last of the routine maintenance that becomes a bit more heavy with age). Later in the day I saw my accountant to file taxes. This was a rescheduled appointment.  The firm moved offices and asked me to come this week, rather than last. Though I enjoy neither of these necessities, there is something poetic about blood and taxes!

I am in a state of transition. I can't remember the last time I wasn't. Though my current changes are mostly positive, change is still hard. I was encouraged to pursue some professional growth and pushed myself to make it happen even though I really didn't think I had it in me. 

The last few years have been challenging. It feels like I've been treading water, just staying afloat. I am a survivor but I am also tired and not as resilient as I used to be. Not only did I complete the Master Teacher training but I just finished my first teacher training two weeks ago. I had the most amazing group of women and I think it went well.

As more options became available professionally, I had to make some really difficult choices. Though I love what I do, I put my career on the back burner to parent and missed some opportunities in the academic environment. Given the state of that environment, I may have dodged a bullet but it was still disappointing. So, I have been letting go of things I love doing because I can no longer afford not to prioritize myself and my career. Not sure why, but this feels so challenging!

When I started 34 years ago this summer, I didn't know fitness, health & wellness would become a career. A dozen certifications two degrees, and a pandemic later, I'm still here. The pandemic, on the heels of my divorce, seriously had me thinking about giving up and trying something else. With a few exceptions, there are not a lot of job opportunities that provide a liveable wage in my industry. I love teaching and learning and thought I would find a full time faculty position. I applied when things opened up and had a few interviews but couldn't seem to get through the process successfully.

I also tried for several positions with another long time employer but again, didn't seem to have what they were looking for. The pandemic was eye opening for me in terms of the different pivots my places of employment made. Despite all of the mandatory trainings required at the two places I have been employed longest, the feeling of being supported and included came from another place. A newer place of employment and one that has continued to make me feel like I belong.

Without dragging out the long history of me, I have rarely felt that I belonged anywhere. I could fit in but that is not the same.  Don't get me wrong, there has always been a person or two that did seem to appreciate me. The problem is that the structure of some organizations limit those people, even those in supervisory roles, in terms of what they can make happen.

So, after working for up to six employers at a time in the last few years both virtually and in-person, I realized I just can't do it anymore. It was fine when I first started. I was young, teaching up to 20 dance and fitness classes a week while pursuing my own academic and physical endeavors. It was alright as a secondary income to my partner and allowed me to be the primary caregiver to my daughter while staying in the work world.

As a divorced, single woman beyond what is considered middle age, it was definitely not fine. So, after trying to rise to the occasion (pandemic, single, starting over). Applying for multiple jobs, learning a multitude of technologies and trying to offer friends and family exercise content via FB live or YouTube (yes while working several jobs and starting over) because I wanted to stay connected and I cared about the people I no longer got to see in person. I burnt out. 

These last couple of weeks have challenged me in some good ways and some hard ways. I let go of several classes with one employer to take on more responsibility with another. Good because of opportunities for growth, support and financial stability. Hard because I love the people I work with and teach in both places. The worst part? Discovering that maybe I belong more than I think and it is such a sweet surprise that the comings and goings feel even more profound. 

Thank you to all of the thoughtful, amazing students that not only expressed support despite feeling sad I would not be teaching regularly. But also, to those that welcomed me with open arms as their Master Trainer and those that seem to appreciate seeing more of me. After what seems like many years of rejection both personally and professionally, your support and kind words mean the world. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". While I love and appreciate so many of her words of wisdom, I would argue that there are times we can be cognizant of our responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. And there are time we find ourselves at their mercy. To be human is to feel the full spectrum and to ride the highs and lows of awareness, perception and reaction as well as responsibility.

If you are still reading, thank you. Thank you for your support, your kindness and your friendship. So many of you have broken down my walls of isolation, and convinced me that maybe I do belong after all and I am grateful!