I just dropped my 13 year old daughter off for her first day of high school (yes, she is young for a freshman). She's as ready as she can be, but I know she's nervous. I remember the feeling of anticipation that makes it hard to sleep. Getting up and ready too early, having too much time to analyze the reflection staring back at you. Of course she found herself lacking. Despite the body positivity movement and the "you do you" message that is prevalent, girls still find something "wrong" in their appearance. I remember that too. Truth be told, I still experience it. The good news is that I can move through and past it but I've had years of practice. I've tried to help my daughter navigate these feelings, sharing my experiences and solutions.
None-the-less, school clothes shopping was ugly and I felt her wrath at the frustration of finding a pair of jeans. Naturally, she assumed that there must be something wrong with her body. I get that, I don't enjoy shopping, don't care for skinny jeans or the spandex that seems to be in everything. I assured her that she would find something that she liked but it might take some work. I reminded her that most things were geared toward some sort of "average" size and that not everyone fit into those parameters. Eventually we came home with not one but two pairs of jeans, yay!
We have had a lot of conversations about negative self talk. Another thing I have experienced and learned to manage, mostly. When conversation fails, I employ humor. Recently, as she lamented her perceived ugliness, I followed her around the house spraying rosewater facial spray in her face and telling her "no!" It works for training pets, so why not? We both ended up laughing and she got over herself.
Her newest affliction is her giant nose. For the record, her nose is not at all big but she is currently obsessed. She has told me I don't know what it's like and I have reminded her that I have been her age before. It's true, I don't know what it's like to be 13 in today's over connected world. Sometimes technology helps and sometimes not, but we have a choice. A lesson for another day.
When I was Abby's age, I also thought my nose was big too. Every morning when I got ready for school I would put a bobby pin on my nose hoping it would cinch in my enormous nostrils! I told Abby this story and how ridiculous I was hoping she might learn from it. She did think it was funny but is still convinced her nose is too big.
So, this morning I tucked a note (with a bobby pin taped inside) in her backpack, hoping to let her know that I get it. I want her to feel confident that she is loved and accepted. Not just because she is beautiful, intelligent and capable, and she is. Because she is a good human (mostly, she's still a teenager) that cares about more than her appearance.
When she was in third grade she came home with an award for treating everyone as a friend. Even though she can be a bit of a jerk, especially to me, she is becoming more socially conscious. She does not tolerate injustice and is very fair-minded. She has begun recognizing her own behavior and taking ownership. The other day she texted an apology and my heart melted and my eyes filled. I'm sure the people in Costco wondered why I was tearing up in front of the rotisserie chickens? $5.00 is a great deal but not worth crying about.
So begins a new phase... high school, wondrous and awful. I hope it is more of the former and less of the latter. Although school is new, some things don't change. I started the morning off with the first day of school scene from Finding Nemo. Abby complained, but somehow I think she still likes it, and would miss me doing it. Maybe not, but I'm pretty sure annoying and embarrassing your teenager is required as a parent!
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