Today is my 24th wedding anniversary, but there will be no celebration. My husband and I are in the process of divorce. It has been a long time coming but is still incredibly hard and sad. We have told a few people and others have probably guessed. We have tried to focus on doing the best by our human child as she navigates the transition to high school. She has been amazing but I know it isn't easy. Her life as she has known it is changing dramatically.
I have been working more, currently have three jobs and have been training for a fourth. I spent the summer looking for full-time work, hoping to simplify life and get a position with health benefits.
I applied to about a dozen places and had interviews with about half of them. Only one of the full-time positions was offered but it wasn't a good fit. Here's the thing, I love what I do and earn a pretty decent salary but they are all part-time positions. It's hard to have multiple jobs, simply from a logistical stand point. Travel, different rules, regulations, meetings, time keeping methods and a constant influx of emails and text messages to disseminate information or ask for a sub.
None-the-less, I've decided to take a break from job hunting. My confidence is fragile right now and I need to feel good at something. My students and clients give me that feeling, though most of them have no idea what I am dealing with. I've tried to stay professional, be upbeat and motivating, and forget or at least put aside my feelings for a while.
My sisters are supportive and caring, but they live in other states, so I have leaned on my friends and they have been amazing. Friends have met me for hikes, meals or just to talk. They have offered support in many ways and I can't thank them enough. We filed three months ago and I have begun to tell my co-workers about the divorce. They too, have shown me kindness and support. It is nice to know that people believe in you when you are not sure you believe in yourself.
To make a tough situation more challenging, my little dog has a terminal neurological condition. I spent a sleepless night with him last night as he had three seizures. These were different than usual, and seem to follow the description of cluster seizures. Our regular vet is closed for the holiday and I am ready to take him to the emergency vet if necessary. My boy is surprisingly resilient and was very hungry and interested in taking his walk and doing his business this morning. I know we are on borrowed time but I'm hoping he makes it through the day and we can at least say goodbye with his regular doctor.
Though today is hard, I know I will get through it, no matter what. I have been told I am a survivor and it's true but I am a little worse for the wear. As I'm writing this, my boy is lying next to me snoring. I'm gonna miss that. I am about to move into my own home. A home my daughter will share with me part-time and my dog, not at all, but I don't want today to be the day to say goodbye.
Despite the imminent split, I still want to remember this day as one of the happiest of my life. To hold on to the precious memories of hope and possibilities and to appreciate what my husband and I have accomplished together. I understand the need to blame, to vilify and minimize the other person when you are hurting, but that is not who I am. I am working toward peaceful acceptance. It's a work in progress, some days better than others. I don't like asking for help, feeling needy, or making people feel uncomfortable. I am a private person but am sharing because I have been just holding on and it is time to let go.
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