Sadness

Tuesday I said goodbye to my best friend Brody. I didn't want to, but sometimes being an adult and a responsible pet parent means making tough decisions. There is no tougher decision than life or death. My boy started having seizures over a year ago. We had watched a movie in the basement and as the credits rolled, he fell to the floor and writhed, a sad, slow wail accompanying the fits of his body.
We saw the vet, and then the neurologist, bought the medications, modified the diet. At first, there was improvement but then, what ever it was, tumor, or encephalitis, (epilepsy was ruled out) it gained the edge. Slowly the medications became less effective, the diet more so. We were losing our boy. If you know me at all, you know I try hard and stick it out, even when all the signs say "give up". Not long ago, my sister told me she thinks I am loyal. There is no more loyal being than a dog.
Dogs exemplify the best of what a relationship can be. I could leave my boy home while I went to work and did he sulk? No. Make me feel guilty for leaving him home? Not at all. I can't tell you what he did while I earned a living but I can tell you what he did when I returned. He greeted me like royalty! Like I was the best thing he had ever seen, the best friend he had ever had and the most fabulous pug Mom there ever was. The sheer joy and delight I experienced by just coming back to my own home was magic. Dog people know the truth I speak.
I tried to return the favor. Brody was a rescue, with issues I never fully understood. He was anxious, loud and not great with visitors. He did get better over time, but not with everyone. Still, I loved him and looked forward to hearing his little toenails clicking across the tile to greet me when I came home. His wagging tail, wiggly butt and exuberant welcome always made me smile, drop to my knees and return the greeting minus the backside boogie.
I brought him home from Friends for Life in December 2011. I had lost my sweet Lee Loo pug to cancer a few months earlier. She was a typical first child, intelligent, clever and a bit of a diva. Corby was the middle child, so laid back and easy to love. He even begged politely. Brody was definitely the mischievous, baby of the family. He helped Corby get his spunk back and made people smile when he wasn't barking at them!
Brody was called Brunswick at Friends because he looked like a bowling ball when he was curled up.
We named him Brody because it means second son in Scottish and that's how we thought of him. He wasn't always great with other dogs, especially big dogs, but he became fast friends with a cat we called Friendly Kitty. They really are like children, such individuals and patience testers but you love them fiercely.
The house feels empty, his belongings a painful reminder that we still have his stuff but not him. I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday and woke up with salt-crusted lashes and eye lids so swollen, they looked like little inflatable rafts. I haven't been able to walk in the morning as usual. I can't bear to see the other dog people and have to explain why I'm alone. I know they know what it's like and how hard it is but I'm trying to keep my shit together in public and it's no easy task.
People have been incredibly kind and it is appreciated. It is hard to handle though, when you have barely stitched your grief together with a thread of resolve and someone gently tugs. Eventually another dog will find his or her way to my heart but for now, it is too tender to even consider. Where pets are concerned it really is better to have loved and lost but that is no consolation when you're in the thick of loss.