Now & Then

I wrote this on the Saturday after I said goodbye to my boy. The same Saturday that a litter of pugs was born. I am so conflicted. My life is busy and complicated, not to mention that I prefer to rescue. And did I mention, I'm busy? I miss having a friend to walk with, talk with and look at me with adoring eyes. I have started looking at rescue websites, filling out adoption applications and considering my options. The litter of pugs includes 4 babies; two boys (one black, one fawn), two girls (both fawn). I love puppies, I'm just not sure it is a good time.

Life without a dog just doesn't feel right to me but I still feel the grief of losing my sweet lad. The pain is a little less, though still a daily part of life. Anyone that has lived with losing a loved one knows that the most random things remind you that you're still grieving. I bought a rotisserie chicken at Costco last week and burst into tears as I put it in the car, Brody loved rotisserie chicken. It's been 5 weeks since I wrote the following and it still feels fresh.

It is Saturday and I picked my boy up today. The lobby at the veterinarian office was busy with a man picking up a prescription, a woman with her daughter holding a Bichon, another man and his son waiting with a very vocal cat. I would have preferred a quieter time but the vet called yesterday to let me know I could pick up Brody's ashes. It was Friday, the one day I work in three different places so, I wasn't able to pick him up until now.

I took the small box and the condolences the receptionist extended stoically and turned to leave. I stifled a sob and the woman with the daughter and dog followed me out the door. She said that she was sorry for my loss as I slid behind the wheel of my car. I thanked her, closed my door, looked at the box and began to cry. I breathed deeply, trying to compose myself to drive the short distance home.

I know it was the right thing to end his suffering but it is definitely not easy. I have told my daughter that doing the right thing does not always produce the desired result and this is an example of that profound truth. Knowing doesn't always make it better and  I struggled with acceptance as I held the small box of his remains. I am seeing our last moments together, watching the life leave his little body. I laid down on the blanket with him and spooned him one last time, hoping he felt how much I loved him even as the warmth of his body faded.

People have been  wonderful and kind. Friends and family have reached out. I've mostly held it together. Arriving at work, fulfilling my commitments. Cooking, cleaning, being a Mom. Packing, and trying to move. I really hit the wall after I brought my baby home. I am utterly spent.