I heard the coffee maker's loud, plaintive beeps, five in a row. The coffee is ready but I'm not. It is a cold, dark, very early morning and the last thing I want to do is leave my snuggly pug, purring cat and the warmth of my bed. Unfortunately, my human child needs to be at the high school for a field trip with her theater group. She was super excited about it, but is a little burnt from a quick trip to Disneyland with a friend and her family. I know she will enjoy herself but there is work to do.
So, off I go. I feed the pets, acting as if it's the normal time. Change my clothes, drink some coffee and prepare a chai and some toast with jam for my daughter. She wants a bagel but we don't have any. Of course I feel guilty but remind myself that it is not the end of the world and she was tired of bagels last I heard.
I have filled out the appropriate paperwork and we put her stuff in the car and head out. I live close to the school (not close enough to walk, apparently, especially at this time of day) and we are there in about five minutes. Sleepy teens and their shell-shocked parents are lined up at the curb waiting for someone to make the first move. Slowly we begin exiting our vehicles and I see the theater teacher pull up, so I get out of my car too.
I check in with the kid, teacher and belongings and try for a quick hug before I head home. Of course I'm met with the uncomfortable "don't embarrass me vibe". I tell my daughter she must kiss and hug me or I will embarrass her. She acts like she didn't hear me so I grab her in a bear hug, wrapping one of my legs around her waist and making loud kissing noises. She asked for it! As her friend covers her mouth laughing, I take my leave. On the short drive home, I burst into tears, so many thoughts crossing my sleep deprived mind.
Our lives have changed dramatically in the last six months, and we are doing out best to adapt. My marriage has ended after twenty four years and things like this trip are tough. One of the things I always thought my husband and I were good at was working together to leverage our strengths. He paid for the trip and I filled in the details. We are doing our best to continue working together for our daughter but it's still hard not to feel sad.
The other challenge for me is my own childhood. I made peace with the fact that the neglect and poverty I experienced were not about me a long time ago. However, having a child of my own, the choices I make, and the life we try to give her challenge that peace regularly. In some ways I understand and am more empathetic towards my mother and the choices she made. In other ways, I am devastated by how little she did to care for me or be a part of my life.
If I wanted to do anything at school, I did it alone. If it cost money, I either raised it or didn't participate. My sister asked me once why I did the things I did. I was in band, choir, played soccer, ran track, did cheer and drill team and even played basketball (thank goodness I was poor in the seventies!). I just wanted to participate, to feel like I belonged in some way and I loved music and movement. But it was hard to hear other kids talk about their parents coming to see them, taking them out to eat afterward, hearing them being cheered while I had no one. So, I cried on the way home, mourning the loss of my marriage and feeling sad but proud that my daughter would never not have me or her Dad in her corner watching and supporting her.
When I got home the pets were waiting for me, none the worse for wear from our early start. I got back in bed and read, meditated and tried to rest for a bit, but sleep would not come. I finally got up thinking a shower might perk me up, plus there was work to do. After I showered, I felt a bit better but when I went to shut the water off the handle broke and the water continued to run. Ugh, seriously?
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