Time

27    Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary.  I was glad for the distraction of work and feeling like I am beginning to settle in. I'm capable of fitting in almost anywhere but I rarely feel that I belong. Today with hugs and conversation between classes and laughter and connection during, I felt good. Yes, it's been nearly four years that I've been working here but between my divorce and the pandemic, never mind the shock waves both have created, it has taken me a while to relax, to trust and to believe that I might belong.

24    The number of years I was married. So many people have told me I am resilient, and positive. Sometimes I wonder if they are saying that for themselves? I am a survivor but I am weary and sad and sometimes self-destructive in thoughts and deeds. I am in pain and it makes people uncomfortable, including me. The good news is that I am starting to feel a glimmer of hope. Seeing the possibility of moving forward (even though I have continuously put one foot in front of the other) and recognizing I might not feel the weight of grief and sadness is new.

17    The age my daughter will be on her birthday in October. She has had a tough time navigating divorce and high school in a pandemic world. I think most parents want to help their children thrive and I have felt so guilty for making the hardest choice I have ever made at such a pivotal point in her life. Staying married would have destroyed me but leaving wasn't much better. I could have stayed and modeled an unhealthy relationship or left and shown her that you have to be your own best advocate. I chose the latter. As she begins her last year of high school, I want her to know that it is okay to choose you. To not always sacrifice yourself for others and to know that does not make you selfish. You can care for others and prioritize yourself. It is a hard and important lesson for women to learn because the world will take everything you have to give and ask for more without an ounce of regret or responsibility. First Day of School

10     The number of years I considered divorce before I acted. Not because things were hard, I can do hard, but because you can't do hard alone when you are in a partnership. You both have to be on board, have each others back and prioritize each other no matter what. I read somewhere that a woman considers divorce for an average of seven years before acting. I guess I am an overachiever but I truly believed we could make it work. I was wrong. The bottom line is there were too many transgressions, too many overtly hurtful acts that I forgave because I believed in the person I loved. Why I didn't consider the words of one of my favorite authors can only be described as blinded by love, or possibly comfortable with chaos. “When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.” ― Maya Angelou

3    It will be three years in October since I moved out. My lease began in September but I waited to move out until after my daughter's birthday the first week of October. She had just started high school in August and I knew the timing sucked for everyone but especially her. I asked her if she wanted me to stay until after her birthday and she did. My husband and I had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a year. He in the basement and I in the room we used to share. At that point my rescue pug was dying, likely a brain tumor and I was doing my best to mitigate his discomfort. I was also working for 4 different employers and trying to set up a new single household. It all sucked but I kept pushing through.

3 again    My daughter had always wanted a cat but her Dad is allergic. After I moved in to my new place, we visited Friends for Life and adopted a cat she chose. He was  listed as a brown tabby but is at least part Maine coon.  A week after we brought him home, we added a sweet pug baby to our home and named her Poppy. My sisters pitched in to buy her for me and one of my sisters came to visit and had met all of the cute puppies.  I had had a little housewarming while my sister visited and some of my favorite women came to support me. I felt loved and like I had a tribe.

Still 3   The truth is, I have amazing friends and family but the pandemic years changed a lot of things. One of my employers shone. Showing up, being responsive, supportive and creating much needed community in a time of isolation. Some of my friends and family responded one way and some another. The people that recognized and accepted that different people will have different responses are the ones that I feel most aligned with. Not because we agree but we are okay with the fact that each of us has to make our own choices.

3 one last time    Sometimes I spiral. I think I have failed at marriage, motherhood and my career. Other times, I recognize how lucky I am. I have built a community, created programs and made a home and something of a new life. I know so many women in the same boat. Women with long term marriages that have ended. Women that keep moving forward and trying to be the best they can in their careers, as parents and as people. I also know people that seem to be in a good place and still struggle. Guess what? We didn't come with the same set of anything! Coping skills, personalities, whatever. Our perspectives are different and perhaps if we recognized that, we might find at the least a little more tolerance and maybe a little more consideration. Ultimately, compassion is the most healing gift we can give and receive.

For those that are celebrating anniversaries now or at any time know this; when I see your posts there is a moment of sadness and a sense of loss and failure, that's my personal stuff. Soon the feeling passes as I recognize that this is not about me. This is about you, and I celebrate you because even though your struggles may be different, no one makes it through a long marriage without challenges. You deserve the kudos! Give your person a hug and celebrate with abandon!