Too Pooped to Party

 I spent a fitful night and woke up to my cat Milo patting my arm before the coffee maker came on at 5am.

"You're not the boss of me", I mumbled sleepily. He assured me he was with a loud meow and 

commenced jumping on the bed and walking across my body to prove it. Men!

My fitness tracker sealed the deal, four hours of sleep with a failing sleep score and a long day ahead. 

Today is the fourth of July and apparently I missed the memo that last night was the firework dress 

rehearsal. Patience and impulse control be damned.

I managed to do all the usual house maintenance. Feeding pets, walking Poppy, cleaning the cat box, a 

load of laundry and then off to work. Four group classes and a private training and I was spent. I came 

home, ate and vegged for a while. I barely interacted with people other than work. Usually I post and text 

4th of July greetings to friends and family. Instead, I'm trying to find the sweet spot for my evening stroll

 with the dog.  That looks like the lowest possible temperature before it's dark and the shenanigans begin.

There's been a lot of extra adulting lately. After losing Harvey bunny, my manager quit and with summer 

vacations and holidays, there's been a scramble to find last minute coverage for classes. My schedule has 

been extra busy both at work and with appointments. Next week, I may have jury duty. Not sure when I 

drew the short straw but I get called almost like clock work every two years.

Sunday morning I found out that a dear friend had passed. I took a little time to myself but with the above 

status, I'm going to have to push through this week. There's a bit of breathing space next week, assuming I

 am not chosen to serve.

Comings and Goings

Wednesday 3/29 was full of adulting! I had lab work early in the morning (the last of the routine maintenance that becomes a bit more heavy with age). Later in the day I saw my accountant to file taxes. This was a rescheduled appointment.  The firm moved offices and asked me to come this week, rather than last. Though I enjoy neither of these necessities, there is something poetic about blood and taxes!

I am in a state of transition. I can't remember the last time I wasn't. Though my current changes are mostly positive, change is still hard. I was encouraged to pursue some professional growth and pushed myself to make it happen even though I really didn't think I had it in me. 

The last few years have been challenging. It feels like I've been treading water, just staying afloat. I am a survivor but I am also tired and not as resilient as I used to be. Not only did I complete the Master Teacher training but I just finished my first teacher training two weeks ago. I had the most amazing group of women and I think it went well.

As more options became available professionally, I had to make some really difficult choices. Though I love what I do, I put my career on the back burner to parent and missed some opportunities in the academic environment. Given the state of that environment, I may have dodged a bullet but it was still disappointing. So, I have been letting go of things I love doing because I can no longer afford not to prioritize myself and my career. Not sure why, but this feels so challenging!

When I started 34 years ago this summer, I didn't know fitness, health & wellness would become a career. A dozen certifications two degrees, and a pandemic later, I'm still here. The pandemic, on the heels of my divorce, seriously had me thinking about giving up and trying something else. With a few exceptions, there are not a lot of job opportunities that provide a liveable wage in my industry. I love teaching and learning and thought I would find a full time faculty position. I applied when things opened up and had a few interviews but couldn't seem to get through the process successfully.

I also tried for several positions with another long time employer but again, didn't seem to have what they were looking for. The pandemic was eye opening for me in terms of the different pivots my places of employment made. Despite all of the mandatory trainings required at the two places I have been employed longest, the feeling of being supported and included came from another place. A newer place of employment and one that has continued to make me feel like I belong.

Without dragging out the long history of me, I have rarely felt that I belonged anywhere. I could fit in but that is not the same.  Don't get me wrong, there has always been a person or two that did seem to appreciate me. The problem is that the structure of some organizations limit those people, even those in supervisory roles, in terms of what they can make happen.

So, after working for up to six employers at a time in the last few years both virtually and in-person, I realized I just can't do it anymore. It was fine when I first started. I was young, teaching up to 20 dance and fitness classes a week while pursuing my own academic and physical endeavors. It was alright as a secondary income to my partner and allowed me to be the primary caregiver to my daughter while staying in the work world.

As a divorced, single woman beyond what is considered middle age, it was definitely not fine. So, after trying to rise to the occasion (pandemic, single, starting over). Applying for multiple jobs, learning a multitude of technologies and trying to offer friends and family exercise content via FB live or YouTube (yes while working several jobs and starting over) because I wanted to stay connected and I cared about the people I no longer got to see in person. I burnt out. 

These last couple of weeks have challenged me in some good ways and some hard ways. I let go of several classes with one employer to take on more responsibility with another. Good because of opportunities for growth, support and financial stability. Hard because I love the people I work with and teach in both places. The worst part? Discovering that maybe I belong more than I think and it is such a sweet surprise that the comings and goings feel even more profound. 

Thank you to all of the thoughtful, amazing students that not only expressed support despite feeling sad I would not be teaching regularly. But also, to those that welcomed me with open arms as their Master Trainer and those that seem to appreciate seeing more of me. After what seems like many years of rejection both personally and professionally, your support and kind words mean the world. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". While I love and appreciate so many of her words of wisdom, I would argue that there are times we can be cognizant of our responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. And there are time we find ourselves at their mercy. To be human is to feel the full spectrum and to ride the highs and lows of awareness, perception and reaction as well as responsibility.

If you are still reading, thank you. Thank you for your support, your kindness and your friendship. So many of you have broken down my walls of isolation, and convinced me that maybe I do belong after all and I am grateful!

LVII

I always know what Superbowl we are on because me & the Sup are the same age. This is useful in remembering Roman numerals! Seriously, I used to be a pretty avid watcher of football and loved playing the game as well. I can't say I am a fan because I have never really been a fanatic type of person. At the height of my football interest, I supported the Dolphins. I'm not sure why. Maybe my junior high school self liked the colors and the cute dolphin wearing a football helmet? When the Dolphins played the San Francisco 49ers in the 1985 Superbowl, I was the only one I knew rooting for the fish! I really wanted Marino to get a ring. As a Northern California native, I had seen several 9ers games at Candlestick Park. I would see several other teams at different stadiums over the years before determining that I prefer football on television. It's hard to see what is happening on the field and you end up watching the big screen replays as much as the actual plays. For me, the benefits of seeing a game in person do not outweigh the detriments, parking, loudness, cost and getting trapped trying to leave. I actually auditioned for Gold Rush, the 49ers cheeleaders, twice. The first time for the experience and the second time to support a friend that wanted the experience. That time I made it to the last cut and felt really good about it. I learned early on that I was never going to get any kind of linework. I am way too short and throw off any line so, not getting cut until the end was enough for me! After having a child and then pursuing a graduate degree, football was one of many things that moved to the back burner. Honestly, I rarely watched TV (would rather read) and that helped me focus on my studies and parenting. The television I did watch was Baby Einstein videos and PBS kids! I avoided commercial television to minimize the "I wants" that come from ads for toys, sugary cereals and general crap. My football interest turned to supporting my husbands team and making snacks for he and any friends during games. I love hosting a gathering, feeding people and making things nice. So, here we are, Superbowl LVII. I have a few friends that are Eagles fans but I'm not really invested in the outcome other than to support people I like. Still, I thought I would watch some of the game and downloaded Fox Sports on my TV because it was streaming free. Somehow I ended up with Fox Sports Espanol. So, I tried CBS Sports. English, Spanish, they were equally loud and annoying. I had the volume on my television all the way down and it was still too loud. It's the same at the movies. Is everyone losing their hearing? At any rate, I have been watching the scores and am not surprised to see that the Eagles are in the lead. All of the research I did pointed to them being the team to beat but it's too early to predict. I am looking forward to the half time show. Rihanna is one of my favorite artists and I feel certain she will give an amazing performance. Even though I am home alone with the pets, I decided to make myself a little game day food. I love La Brea Bakery French Dinner Rolls and used one to create a little slider. Turkey bacon, aged white cheddar, avocado, tomato, arugula and Dijon mustard. I also made some sweet potato fries (not pictured) and it was delicious! Game day has changed a lot over the years. From the company I keep to the food I eat but my interest in football has been rekindled. I miss throwing, catching, running.I have always been physically capable. Not the best but not the last to be chosen. The truth is, I do love sports but please don't call me a fan!

Ups & Downs

Stylish vacation mode!

 
So, this happened last week: I drop my girl off for her music lesson and hit Fry’s (same shopping center).
I put the groceries in the car and am walking through the parking lot to music studio. While looking over my shoulder to make sure no cars are coming, I trip on a speed bump and go flying. I am shocked to find myself splayed across said speed bump & quickly jump up. Even though my previously injured hamstring was letting me know it was not happy! Only one witness saw me and asked if I was okay? I quickly replied yes, I just felt stupid and she responded with kindness telling me not to feel stupid. I wish my embarrassment did not prevent me from appreciating her kindness and hope she knew I was grateful for her gesture.

Honestly, I feel like my Doctor jinxed me when she asked at my annual visit if I had fallen. I looked at her blankly and realized she was asking because of my age! I'm sorry but I think my age is too young to be asked that question, or at least I did until the parking lot incident.

 

It’s been a hard few years but I feel like we are getting back to us (me & my girl). We always had a different relationship than she & her Dad. There was never a competition just different connections.
Being a Mom is the most difficult role I have undertaken. Less because of us and our relationship and more because of societal expectations and the BS of life. When the world tells you it’s the greatest, most rewarding job but it comes without remuneration, prestige or actual respect, it feels like you’re trapped in a sea of expectation with very little support.

This week my girl is in Hawaii with her Dad. I am on mail, trash/recycling duty at his house and bunny duty at mine. They are gone for 10 days! Friends have told me I'm nice to help and this surprises me. I never hated the man (might have been easier if I did). Honestly, forgiving him has been far easier than forgiving myself. Besides, we share a child and a large part of parenting is being a role model. Life with a teenager (soon a legal adult) is interesting.

My girl is going through the normal phase of distancing herself from us (her parents) and becoming more independent. The other day while driving, I told her, "I can't believe I will be 60 in three years". She countered with, "I'll be 20 and that's worse!" I asked why and she told me I was already good at being an adult so, the number wasn't as hard for me. She, on the other hand, didn't know how to do it and was a little scared at the prospect. This kid is so smart and aware, I know she'll be okay but her logic made sense. Finding our way back to the relationship of a Mother and daughter that have open, honest conversations about everything feels good. I think she knows I have her back and I appreciate feeling loved and trusted.

Her texts from Hawaii have been loving and fun. I can't wait to hear all about her trip and truly hope she and her Dad have a blast. Abby has always had two very different parents that show their love in disparate ways.  I think she recognizes that and is starting to appreciate those differences like she seemed to before our divorce.

Evening Stroll

Looking West from Freestone Park

 

It rained most of Saturday and into Sunday morning. I managed to get my dog out for a quick business walk last night and this morning. The day was grey and cloudy and Milo, Poppy and I spent a good deal of time on the couch. Me reading and the pets taking turns snuggling me which I love except when they steal the blanket!

I hadn't been feeling well most of the week. My allergies seem worse this year but the humidity brought by the rain helped. Another thing that helps is exercise so, I put the harness on my pug and headed out for a sunset stroll. The sky was a beautiful mix of color and the temperature mild. The air smelled clean from all of the rain, punctuated with wood smoke here and there.

I knew some of the normal routes I take would be muddy and chose to head over to Freestone park avoiding the dirt trail and opting for the paved walkways. The skate park had a light crowd as did most of the other areas with the exception of the playground. The soccer field was submerged underwater dwarfing the lake in my back yard easily.

The carnival area was still open and we passed the little train heading in the opposite direction as we circled the lake. It's cute to see parents and children riding and waving but the smell of gasoline is awful!  I used to take my daughter there when she was small and the fumes were always a turn off. 

As I came back around passing the brightly lit merry go round, a worker was singing in a loud, slightly off tune voice to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" while cleaning up. That song reminds me of my sister Holly throwing tinsel on her tree with the bubble lights. I had a smile on my face as I turned east and headed for home.

It was pretty dark but the lights were on over the tennis and basketball courts at the corner park so, most of the walkway was lit. I pulled out my phone and used the flashlight to illuminate the dark corner covered with wet leaves. So glad I did! I not only avoided slipping on the leaves but also managed to miss a cockroach the size of a skateboard I surely would have stepped on. Yuck, I can almost hear the crunch of the exoskeleton.

After the walk, my sinuses felt a bit better and I put my pajamas on to spend a little more time reading. The shortest day of the year is around the corner and I feel the pull to slow down. I'm not the best at relaxing but sometimes you have to acknowledge your own biology. Said the woman wearing pajamas at 6pm!

Finally!

The weather is finally starting to cool. The change has been most noticeable in the mornings and I have extended my walks a bit. This past weekend was delightful and I opened my windows for a short while on Sunday! Poppy & I hit the Western Power Line Trail. We only do this once a week because it requires crossing Val Vista Dr (a very busy street) twice. A good friend introduced me to this route during the Pandemic. Life has changed for both of us and I've missed our walks so, on Sunday I revisit this route.

The Western Power Line trail is a bit busier than the trail running North/South midway between Val Vista & Greenfield. The buzzing of the lines and the foot & bike traffic are more noticeable E/W vs. N/S. I tried to find a name for the N/S trail but other than this Interactive Bicycle Trail Map, I was not able to name the trail. While heading east on the Western Power Line Trail, we encounter some chickens and goats and an occasional sheep. I haven't seen the goats or sheep lately and of course I wonder where they've ended up  and if they are still alive?

As we intersect the N/S trail there are a series of poles. I'm not sure if they are supposed to slow bike traffic or keep vehicles from using the trail, but I refer to one of them as the "Harry Potter Pole". You can probably guess why...Gryffindor! Actually, my house is Ravenclaw but I digress. We head north and turn into the neighborhood called Sonoma Ranch. It's probably ridiculous but I'm from Sonoma County and for some reason the name makes me feel connected to my roots.

From here we travel back towards my neighborhood and another crossing over Val Vista. Poppy is highly stimulated by the traffic and would run to her death if I somehow dropped the leash. Sometimes I pick her up and carry her across. I keep hoping immersion therapy will help but so far, not. I breathe a sigh of relief after we cross the street and head back to our neighborhood.

I've been watching for the return of the owls. They usually come back and take residence at the neighborhood park as the weather cools and leave when it heats up. Literal snowbirds! Their nests have mostly survived the Monsoon season, though I can't say the same for some of the trees and branches. We got a lot of rain this season which is a good thing but of course, it came with a price. So many downed trees and branches and I worry about the animals that make their homes there.

So, the owls haven't returned and I have not become the curiosity of my neighbors that visit the park just yet!  Every year I wonder if they think I am speaking to the Lord as I look up and say hello to the owls. :-) Yep, I greet all of the animals I encounter, including those that have met an untimely demise. I usually say something like, "I'm sorry friend, I hope you had a good life." I somehow feel like someone should acknowledge their passing. So there it is...I talk to animals both dead or alive. Maybe I am crazy?!

Today was a full day for me and I took Poppy to see her BFF, aka the dog sitters pug. On my way out of the neighborhood, two ducks stepped off of the median into oncoming traffic. I said aloud, "please slow down, please don't kill the ducks!" The guy in the white Kia Soul did slow a bit. The ducks took flight and as I began to relax, the guy looked at me and grinned. I looked at my clasped hands and noticed my worried grimace in the rear view and realized I must've been a sight. Who cares? The ducks lived to see another day, go ahead and laugh!

When I was a kid, one of my sisters gave me the Little House on the Prairie books and another gave me All Creatures Great & Small. I love animals and nature. It is part of the reason I have stopped eating red meat and am working toward vegetarianism like my daughter who also loves animals. For me, the issue is not that we eat meat but that livestock is treated so poorly while alive. No field(s) to roam, literally tortured until slaughter. I can't live with that, so I protest in my own way.

So, back to the weather! I love this time of year. The sun rises later and sets earlier but still allows me time to walk and enjoy nature. I appreciate the slant of light. The way the sunrise takes time to glide across the earth casting rays through the trees and sending dappled light across the streets and sidewalks. I like the way the mornings feel almost chilly and the promise of cooler weather and the cozy season. I found this recipe and my daughter and I are excited to fire up the oven and bake cookies. Scary Peanut Butter Spider Cookies

We've started some new endeavors, my girl & I. I hope the very best for both of us both in terms of our pursuits and enjoying the changes that come with the season. Framing change as excitement vs. anxiety can help to successfully navigate those changes Anxiety/Excitement. I hope that for you too! We can all use a bit of rest and something to look forward to.

The Good, The Bad, & the Happiest Place on Earth

I was 18 the first time I went to Disneyland. It also happened to be the first time I had flown on an airplane. I returned 12 years later when an evening at Disneyland was included as part of the IDEA Personal Training Summit. I mostly helped my room mate from Chicago find souveneirs for her kids & spouse. The other two roommates from China liked to stay out late and party! 

The next time I went to Disneyland was a full 19 years later! Abby was 8 and I was approaching 49. It was a family trip with Dad, Grandma, Abby & I. Just after Christmas, so the decor and attractions were still there. Though we had fun, there was already strain in my marriage and the most fun I had was when Abby & I went to the park alone. Some people were surprised I waited so long. I wanted to go when our daughter was old enough to walk and handle long days and would also remember the trip.

Fast forward nearly nine years later and my girl and I went to Disneyland, just the two of us. In the last few years we have only taken a couple other road trips and we needed to get away. I asked my girl what sounded fun during Fall Break and close to her birthday. She chose Disneyland! It has felt like one thing after the next with the most recent negative experience, an active shooter threat that ended her homecoming dance early and freaked everyone out.

So, I planned the trip and did what I always do...looked for the best deal and the optimal time to go. I am currently doing a lot of training for one of my employers and the schedule this month is busy. It was either this weekend or the last weekend of the month. Abby didn't want to travel on Halloween so, this was our weekend! I worked Friday morning until noon and she had a partial school day. I picked her up at 1:30 after stressing myself out and trying to do too much before I left.

With the dog safely at the dog sitter and the cat in the care of an amazing friend, I loaded up the car with my suitcase, backpack, a cooler with snacks & drinks, a blanket and neck pillow for Abby & a book to listen to. I picked up my girl at her Dad's & we were on the road. We encountered the worst traffic of the trip after making our way through Phoenix and heading West. Eventually the traffic and construction eased up around Tolleson and we made good time to Quartzsite where I stopped for gas. 

After fueling up, we made our way to Palm Springs to meet my brother. I hadn't seen my brother in years, not since he retired and moved from Oakland! We arrived at about 6 and hung out and talked for awhile. Later his friend and caregiver came over and we went to dinner. My brother is 17 years my senior and has had some physical challenges that require some in home care. Other than that, he was still the same and we had a nice time reminiscing and enjoying a meal.

We left early the next day, leaving a note for my still sleeping brother. He is more of a night owl (like my daughter) and I am a lark. On the road at 7:30, my girl slept her way to the motel. I had purchased a package with a "Good Neighbor" rather than staying at a Disney resort. I have stayed at a Disney resort two other times and while they were nice, they weren't really any closer and about a thousand dollars more. Frugal me, just couldn't do it so, we stayed at the Motel 6 Anaheim Main gate. The walk was about the same to Disney, with fewer people.

Foolish me, I thought the reservation system would make the crowds smaller but it did not! The mornings weren't too bad and since we arrived at the hotel at 9:30 and the Disney resort at 10:00, I decided to spring for the Disney Genie Plus for $20 bucks each. This allowed us to take advantage of the Lightening Lanes but after a day of navigating limitations, I chose not to do it on Sunday.  The mornings and early afternoons were pretty good but as the day turned to night the throng of people became overwhelming!

There were definitely more people than the last time I was there and the sea of strollers and mobility scooters was intense. I do not begrudge anyone but we felt defenseless without something between us and the crowds. We bobbed and weaved our way through for the most part but did not attend any evening events because by then both of us felt so anxious we needed to leave. 

Both nights we got trapped in stores. The first night Abby grabbed my hand and as we navigated our way out of the store, I heard a man say, "did you just push me?' in a confrontational way. I never looked back. We were swallowed by the throng of people and escaped into the night! The second night was just as bad and I sent my girl outside while I purchased the item she had chosen for a friend. When I finally emerged, her panic attack had subsided and she had made some friends at a Downtown Disney kiosk.

We did have a lot of fun but there were many not fun things. People walked several bodies wide, oblivious to others. You have the right to walk at your own pace but it would be nice if you left some passing room. I walk quickly and so does my girl. Most people meander and that is their prerogative but it shouldn't make it impossible to pass. We did not encounter too many people with manners. Rarely was there an excuse me or even an awareness of others as people abruptly stopped to talk to each other or look at their phones. It just felt like a frenetic free for all! Disney- Prices, Passes, People

None-the-less, we did have fun! Despite the fact that I broke my sunglasses piloting the Millennium Falcon, or that the Haunted House broke down while we were in line or even that there was a key card fiasco at our hotel, we still had fun. I purchased some new sunglasses, the ride was fixed while we waited (plus we moved up a lot as people with less patience left for other options) and the hotel managed the situation as well as I think they could have.

The best food we had was at the Anaheim Garden Walk. After scoping out the place, we decided on the Mexican Restaurant. As I waited to put my name in, the person in front of me asked their question and then moved aside. The hostess looked at me and walked away without a word. I decided I would order at the pop-up taco stand not far from the restaurant and had the best Chipotle shrimp street tacos.

It was a great escape for the two of us and some good Mother Daughter time. We laughed at some of the overheard conversations. Mother to child with Dad a few feet in front, "I don't know where Daddy is going, he's not being a good communicator." Preteen boy to another preteen boy, "who's your favorite serial killer?" Should I be afraid? Best thing we saw, a Mom in the Disney stroller with her child while husband pushed. Abby & I thought maybe we should get one of those strollers and take turns pushing each other! Everyone else seemed to have a battering ram, why not us?

I'm impressed with the people that go often and with very small children. My anxiety gets to me in these situations and was worse for my child who doesn't have the years of practice or the tools that I have gathered over my lifetime. I had shared with my sister, that I was less concerned about Covid and more concerned about the social mood, especially in large groups. I wasn't wrong. There is just a lot of anger and indifference in the world. A sense that people are looking for conflict. That feeling makes me want to stay at home. 

Maybe you don't feel it, and I am glad for you. The agitation of being hyper aware is exhausting and being oblivious sounds like a luxury I will never experience. While I was on my vacation I spent time emailing and texting one employer to make sure my classes were covered. I checked my other work email to ensure my online students had "regular and substantive interaction". There is no reward for this, no extra pay, no kudos. Your efforts are only noticed if you fail to do the work. Is it any wonder people are quiet quitting?

My daughter will be 17 this week. She has struggled and she has prevailed and the cycle has been challenging. If I'm being honest, I have also found myself in the spin cycle of life. I am currently trying to make something happen. To put more effort into a single employer that has encouraged and supported me tangibly, not just with words. I like all of my places of employment for different reasons but some are limited in the structure and I am looking to focus on my personal and professional growth. I must go where there are opportunities but it feels so selfish to prioritize my career and my financial well-being. So, here I am, trying to show my daughter that it is possible to be a kind, caring person and still prioritize yourself. If I can make it happen, I think I'll actually find the Happiest Place on Earth!