Self Care September

The nights are stretching further into the day, with sunrise coming later and sunset coming sooner. We had a fantastic storm last night on the heels of a beautiful harvest moon. This morning the temperature was lower than the humidity, 76 degrees to 78 percent respectively. A light, almost cool breeze made walking more pleasurable than it has been. I enjoy walking my dog each morning but the heat and humidity have been oppressive this monsoon season. Fortunately, we've received a good amount of much needed rain. 

It is nearly fall but any desert dweller, transplant or native, knows summer does not go quietly. Halloween costumes must be considered carefully knowing it is still likely to be uncomfortable in heavy apparel. None-the-less, I am anticipating the change. The cooler weather, decorating, passing out candy, making Thanksgiving dinner. I often say I'm more of a sweater than a swimsuit person and I can feel my time is coming!

I think cautious optimism may be in the air. The hope that life is returning to something resembling normal however defined. The hunger for stability, simplicity and above all, harmony. I've shared that many in my circle have uttered the words, "I don't know what's wrong with me." Recently, a friend told me that she just feels "off" and couldn't quite describe it. I said I thought that collectively we had a low grade fever of agitation and disappointment. She grasped that thought, repeating it to herself and even writing it down. To me, it is the crux of our dis-ease. A maelstrom of forced change, uncertainty and societal angst. We are tired and wired, the effects of chronic stress.

September is national self-care awareness month. A great opportunity to find and do the things that make you feel good. I had a mani-pedi last week and have tried to incorporate small acts of care for myself each day. I am also working on bigger changes but at a much slower pace. I meditate each morning but have begun to carve out a little time for myofascial release prior to my walk and stretching post.

My body is tired. Not just the muscle soreness that is normal in my profession but skeletal discomfort and mental fatigue. I have decided to scale back my physical teaching, looking for the right number of classes and formats that allow me to feel and give my best. It can be difficult to prioritize your own well-being but choosing to do so is an important step. So many care givers of any sort are plagued with a sense of duty and guilt for possibly letting someone down. On the other side of that can be irritability and resentment.

So each day, I do some small self-care practice like writing, stretching, making myself a good meal. Each week, I am doing something a little bigger like the mani-pedi last week, the facial this week, hair next week and a massage the following. I know, it's a splurge but I think about how I can drop big money shopping for my daughter at Target. Quietly putting things I wanted back to save money so she can get what she wants and needs. I think most Mom's can relate but this month, I'm not going to martyr myself...much. For the record, I do say no and call her attention to wants vs needs but it's an exhausting lesson to teach and line to hold.

Sometimes the very people we care about the most, struggle to support our efforts to prioritize our own well-being and self-care. Not because they're uncaring but because when you are the one that regularly gives more, and makes sacrifices, the people in your circle learn that their needs matter more. Maybe not consciously, but inadvertently.

I have often said that it feels difficult to maintain boundaries without keeping score but it is important to try. This is why, small acts of kindness and self-care matter. You are demonstrating that you are an important contributor to the family, team, relationship, etc. You are reminding others and maybe yourself that you matter. So, take a stab at showing yourself some love because you are worthy of at least a little bit of the care and effort you put into everyone and everything else!

This is a favorite meditation of mine-

https://insighttimer.com/barbarafaison/guided-meditations/hooponopono-a-self-forgiveness-practice

Time

27    Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary.  I was glad for the distraction of work and feeling like I am beginning to settle in. I'm capable of fitting in almost anywhere but I rarely feel that I belong. Today with hugs and conversation between classes and laughter and connection during, I felt good. Yes, it's been nearly four years that I've been working here but between my divorce and the pandemic, never mind the shock waves both have created, it has taken me a while to relax, to trust and to believe that I might belong.

24    The number of years I was married. So many people have told me I am resilient, and positive. Sometimes I wonder if they are saying that for themselves? I am a survivor but I am weary and sad and sometimes self-destructive in thoughts and deeds. I am in pain and it makes people uncomfortable, including me. The good news is that I am starting to feel a glimmer of hope. Seeing the possibility of moving forward (even though I have continuously put one foot in front of the other) and recognizing I might not feel the weight of grief and sadness is new.

17    The age my daughter will be on her birthday in October. She has had a tough time navigating divorce and high school in a pandemic world. I think most parents want to help their children thrive and I have felt so guilty for making the hardest choice I have ever made at such a pivotal point in her life. Staying married would have destroyed me but leaving wasn't much better. I could have stayed and modeled an unhealthy relationship or left and shown her that you have to be your own best advocate. I chose the latter. As she begins her last year of high school, I want her to know that it is okay to choose you. To not always sacrifice yourself for others and to know that does not make you selfish. You can care for others and prioritize yourself. It is a hard and important lesson for women to learn because the world will take everything you have to give and ask for more without an ounce of regret or responsibility. First Day of School

10     The number of years I considered divorce before I acted. Not because things were hard, I can do hard, but because you can't do hard alone when you are in a partnership. You both have to be on board, have each others back and prioritize each other no matter what. I read somewhere that a woman considers divorce for an average of seven years before acting. I guess I am an overachiever but I truly believed we could make it work. I was wrong. The bottom line is there were too many transgressions, too many overtly hurtful acts that I forgave because I believed in the person I loved. Why I didn't consider the words of one of my favorite authors can only be described as blinded by love, or possibly comfortable with chaos. “When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.” ― Maya Angelou

3    It will be three years in October since I moved out. My lease began in September but I waited to move out until after my daughter's birthday the first week of October. She had just started high school in August and I knew the timing sucked for everyone but especially her. I asked her if she wanted me to stay until after her birthday and she did. My husband and I had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a year. He in the basement and I in the room we used to share. At that point my rescue pug was dying, likely a brain tumor and I was doing my best to mitigate his discomfort. I was also working for 4 different employers and trying to set up a new single household. It all sucked but I kept pushing through.

3 again    My daughter had always wanted a cat but her Dad is allergic. After I moved in to my new place, we visited Friends for Life and adopted a cat she chose. He was  listed as a brown tabby but is at least part Maine coon.  A week after we brought him home, we added a sweet pug baby to our home and named her Poppy. My sisters pitched in to buy her for me and one of my sisters came to visit and had met all of the cute puppies.  I had had a little housewarming while my sister visited and some of my favorite women came to support me. I felt loved and like I had a tribe.

Still 3   The truth is, I have amazing friends and family but the pandemic years changed a lot of things. One of my employers shone. Showing up, being responsive, supportive and creating much needed community in a time of isolation. Some of my friends and family responded one way and some another. The people that recognized and accepted that different people will have different responses are the ones that I feel most aligned with. Not because we agree but we are okay with the fact that each of us has to make our own choices.

3 one last time    Sometimes I spiral. I think I have failed at marriage, motherhood and my career. Other times, I recognize how lucky I am. I have built a community, created programs and made a home and something of a new life. I know so many women in the same boat. Women with long term marriages that have ended. Women that keep moving forward and trying to be the best they can in their careers, as parents and as people. I also know people that seem to be in a good place and still struggle. Guess what? We didn't come with the same set of anything! Coping skills, personalities, whatever. Our perspectives are different and perhaps if we recognized that, we might find at the least a little more tolerance and maybe a little more consideration. Ultimately, compassion is the most healing gift we can give and receive.

For those that are celebrating anniversaries now or at any time know this; when I see your posts there is a moment of sadness and a sense of loss and failure, that's my personal stuff. Soon the feeling passes as I recognize that this is not about me. This is about you, and I celebrate you because even though your struggles may be different, no one makes it through a long marriage without challenges. You deserve the kudos! Give your person a hug and celebrate with abandon!

 

On the Outside Looking In

 

                                            Morning Walk at the Riparian

The day started off nicely even though I woke up at 3:17 and was not able to get back to sleep. I rested and took my time getting out of the house. I took Poppy to the Riparian Preserve for a walk that was mostly peaceful and quiet. 

 

I returned home feeling productive and after starting some laundry, I went outside to hose down the back patio leaving Poppy inside to cool down.  When I was finished and the patio was clean, I went to open the sliding glass door only to discover I could not. The wooden pole I use had somehow rolled back into the door frame effectively preventing me from getting inside. Either the dog or my robot vac (leaning toward the robot vacuum) had pushed it and I was stuck on the outside looking in.

 

My phone was inside the house and I had nothing on me. I tried jiggling the door, coaxing the dog to use her paws and pull it back. She is definitely not Lassie! My cat could have done it, he regularly plays with the pole for entertainment but he was nowhere to be seen. I later discovered his day wasn't going much better than mine because he was stuck in my daughter's room.

So, I sat down and breathed, considering my options. I got up and did some weeding. I looked for a vulnerable window. Finally, I walked around the corner and asked my neighbor if I could use her phone. I called my ex-husband because he works from home and there was a good chance our daughter (she's currently with him) had left her key to my house at home. No luck. I went back home for some more weeding and problem solving.

 

My neighbor came over and offered to drive me over to see if my kid had left her key at her Dad's. Again, no luck, he wasn't home. So my neighbor dropped me off at rec center where I teach classes. My boss was amazing, letting me use his phone to call and text, logging me onto a computer and sharing a similar experience he had.

I was able to reach my daughter via text. She didn't have her key and thought she had left it at my house. I'm renting and I thought the owners, a couple, would be able to unlock the door. Since I didn't have my phone, I didn't have their contact info. They own a business and I called and asked the receptionist if she could call them. They responded right away but were out of town and recommended a locksmith.

Out of options and luck, I called the locksmith they suggested and left a message. Then called another with a five star rating. Jacob from Sundial locksmith was amazing! Was able to come about a half hour I spoke with him and had the four locks on my front door open in five minutes. Another instructor from Freestone graciously gave me a ride home and commented at how calm I was. Hysteria never helps and I know how to focus but on the inside I was anxious and angry with myself.

 

I was locked out for about two and a half hours and the whole fiasco cost $279.00. I'm a pretty solid problem solver but the kindness of others lessened the time and the burden. If I had had my phone which I did not expect to need while I was hosing down the patio, I could have opened my garage door with an app. I don't like being so reliant on technology. I couldn't even check my email while at the rec center because everything requires two step authentication. You confirm you're logging in by getting a notification on your phone.

Many people suggested a hide a key but I'm not comfortable with that. Having had my house broken into and been attacked years ago makes me nervous to put a key someplace. This was a freak thing and is unlikely to happen again however, I do plan to put my phone in my pocket even if I am just going outside. Talk about a ball and chain!

I still managed to pick my daughter up from school in her car so she could drive it back to her Dad's (she's got her permit but not her license) teach 3 classes and keep up with work email and household stuff but much chocolate (dark with almonds) was consumed! I was so tired when I arrived to teach my classes this afternoon but I felt much better afterwards. Regular exercises know what is on the other side of a workout. Today that was burning off the fight or flight adrenaline.

First Day of School-Senior Edition

Four weeks ago today was the first day of school for my daughter. She has begun her senior year and I  could not stop crying. I thought I was over it and ready to make a joke while teaching a class. I love making people laugh, feeling like they are not the only one and building connection. I guess it was too soon because I choked up when I said it, and my eyes began to well. I pulled it together, hoping I didn't make anyone too uncomfortable.

On her first day of school, kindergarten August 2009, I cried when I dropped her off and stayed home for the entire school day in case something happened, or she needed me. I wanted to be close just in case. I repeated this every first day until fourth grade when I managed not to cry for the first time. 1st Day 4th Grade Parenting is hard for everyone and being a sensitive person that had one parent unable to care for her children has put this over-thinker into analyzing overdrive more times than I care to count.

I didn't want children. I know myself well and knew it would challenge me because I care so much about everything. I felt certain I would be overwhelmed. Our daughter came along ten years into my marriage. My husband and I had a couple of bumpy years in the beginning but felt we were in a good place when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a casual attempt and we agreed that if I was pregnant before I turned 40, it was meant to be. A couple of months after I turned 39, I was pregnant and terrified.

Not long ago, I was speaking with a friend about motherhood. She chose not to have children and asked if I felt good about changing my mind? I told her as soon as I held my girl, I was overwhelmed by the responsibility but also enamored by the wonder. I knew it was right. My husband regularly suggested "putting that baby down" but I hardly did. I would hold her and sing and dance and cry. It just felt so big and real. I wanted to give her everything!

I started reading to my daughter before she was born and never kicked the pugs out of my bed so she would know the sounds and feel of her little canine family. I put her in a sling and took her on walks with the dogs as soon as I could. Everything I read encouraged all of the above and since I didn't know from example, I studied. Aside from multiple books, I have taken courses in parenting as well as studies in my disciplines of psychology and health. I wanted to be the best Mom I could but sometimes I still fall short. There is no formula for success, you learn as you go.

So, I wondered what was wrong with me? It's not that I'm afraid of losing her. One of the only benefits of divorce is learning to live without her half the time. Then it struck me! I have taken her to school on her first day for the last twelve years but today, she was with her Dad. I sent her the YouTube video from Finding Nemo which I have played for her every first day of school but in person. I have taken a picture of her each year but today I didn't get to. I do have the photo she took with her best friend the day before school started at the Senior Sunrise in Papago Park. I love her friend Kaitlyn and am so happy they have a friendship that started in kindergarten and has endured the the years since.

My marriage and subsequent divorce have destroyed me and been hard on our daughter. I don't hate my former spouse, he just makes me feel sad, we just see things so differently. I was a little hesitant in the beginning of our relationship. He was so exuberant and I was much more reserved. Once I felt I could trust him, I was all in. He jokingly called me a greedy little love monger, and I was. I was not hugged or told I was loved as a child and it was hard not to be enamored by the feeling of being loved. I had never been so adored, so appreciated, it was intoxicating but it didn't last. I knew it was normal to settle after the honeymoon phase but it seemed I was the only one.

Fast forward to the present. When my daughter was still at my house, she came into my room, got in my bed, put her head on my shoulder and bawled her eyes out. As she soaked my pajama top, I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was sad. Sad about the passing of her Grandpa and her Uncle and just a sadness she couldn't articulate. I told her it was okay to feel sad, to cry and let it out. I won't presume that she, or anyone else for that matter, is feeling the same as me. But,  I sense a sadness in many. A grieving of a life we thought we knew and understood pre-pandemic, before isolation, death, divorce and all other possible challenges.

I was just getting used to and managing my own post-divorce normal when Covid came along. I went into overdrive as my income sources disappeared one by one. Often people will comment that you're a survivor and yes, I am because the alternative isn't good. So, I checked in with people, made videos and tried to stay connected. It felt incredibly weird but so many people were amazing and supportive, especially my friends. Here we are two years later dealing with the long term effects of chronic stress. I can't tell you how many of my students/clients say, "I don't know what's wrong with me" and I feel the same.

I am burnt out and exhausted. I am doing the exact same thing I did when I started in the fitness industry...teaching in multiple places. The difference is, I am 56, not 23 and back then you might get a phone call to sub a class but now the emails, texts and apps you are expected to put on your own device require so much more work. I have often said that accessibility and ease are not the same thing when it comes to technology, but people merely smile and nod. I think differently than most and that does not make me feel superior, it makes me feel separate. So many employers say they want people that think outside the box but also seem to want you to do so from inside the box. Luckily, there are some that appreciate my different thought process.

For a while I tried to apply for full time jobs. The idea of working for one employer seemed like a good solution but I couldn't make it happen. Even employers I worked for seemed to be looking for something other than great employee and or student evaluations, familiarity with the organization, years of service or continuing education. Part of the problem is that this industry is geared toward the young and hungry. Those that are willing to say yes to anything and burn themselves out only to be replaced by another group in the same place. I am neither young or hungry. The other challenge is that so many fitness people are a second income, a place I used to be. When you have to find your own health insurance (rarely is that available as a part time employee or independent contractor) maintain liability insurance, yadda, yadda. We can make a decent hourly income but it comes with costs of wear and tear on the body, continuing education, insurance, etc.

Recently, an opportunity has presented itself with a current employer. It is something I have wanted to do for a while and the path is laid out. I am so tired, so burnt and so lacking in faith in myself that I am not sure what to do. I thought I had a person. Someone who had my back and supported me. Though I have amazing people in my life, I don't have a person to hold me, remind me I am not alone and shore up the courage it takes to move forward. I miss having a partner but realize now that I was always seeing the best in my spouse while he was seeing the opposite.

Today, it all came to a head. Me keeping it together and trying to move forward alone in a pandemic world and parent my child in a post divorce reality. My beautiful, wonderful child has been struggling with both. Sadly, there are those that have little or no compassion. Last year when we were challenged with mental health issues, I was asked "what is wrong with kids today?". Guess what? Our children live in a different time than we did. They may have similar issues but in different circumstances. Our inability to recognize and have compassion divides us.

And that seems to be the current theme: we are divided. I am grieving the loss of connection. The sadness I feel that I haven't seen or don't even know what has happened to some of my students and colleagues. I am so very sad that the opinions people have about the pandemic years have divided us further. Not because I need to cut those with different opinions off, but because in order to maintain some relationships, I have to edit myself. Because agreeing to disagree is far less common than alienation. I do it because I love those people but guess what? I also withdraw. Here's the deal- I don't understand a world that seems to embrace diversity and inclusion while also seeming to encourage cancel culture. I can't understand feeling angry that your rights are infringed upon and then perpetuating and revoking the rights of others.

These are hard issues, social challenges. But, when we we choose to make uncertainty certain, we lose a little bit of our humanity and I am not okay with that. So, I cried today. My child, in spite of being a young senior, is on the cusp of adulthood. This summer she started her first job, got her driving permit and chose to take on the responsibility of a pet. On the way back from the vet, I told her she would need to be responsible for her bunny's food (hay) and bedding. She was surprised! I said I knew we (her father and I) would always have her back but she has to understand what having a pet entails. I paid for both vet visits and they were not cheap. Side note- I find it humorous that a domestic rabbit sees a vet that specializes in exotic animals.

Lessons are difficult to teach because it is not just about the lesson, it is about the timing. I try to figure it out and do the best by my kid but honestly, I don't always get it right. That is hard for me because I would lay down my life in a heartbeat if I thought it would help. But I am also the parent that hears the justification from my girl that she believes I will always be there for her and she feels safe with me. As much as I love to hear it and know it is true, it is only true for as long as I am here. I will not always be here. As an older Mom, I know it's possible that my life may end before my child is settled, ready. Honestly, is anyone ever?

When my Mom passed, the hardest thing was knowing we were out of time. There was no hope that we would connect. No possible future, only our past. The truth is, none of her children got what they needed but I don't think she ever did either. That makes me so sad for all of us. It also triggers my empathy for a woman I barely knew but loved none-the-less. A person with so much promise and so little opportunity. She could definitely be cruel and it was hurtful and confusing. As an adult, I can understand this, forgive and consider how those experiences have influenced the person I am.

I see so many heartfelt tributes from friends to parents that have passed and I so hope that is their truth and the love they can hold close when they are feeling lost. As open as I am, I keep some things close. My Mother was a conflicted and complicated human but I believe she tried and loved her children to the best of her ability. It was definitely not enough but her own childhood circumstances were less than ideal. It might sound like I am making excuses for her behavior but I am not. Recognizing the challenges that the people you love have faced is not an excuse for their behavior. It is an acknowledgement that you can not always change or define their past, no matter how much you love them. Just like you can not always predict or control the future for yourself, or your children but you can show up and be there.

Weekend Update

I was so looking forward to this weekend. Last weekend I worked on Saturday and had three social commitments on Sunday. Though I enjoy my work and my friends, it was a busy weekend for an HSP. If you are unfamiliar with the term, it stands for highly sensitive person HSP. Some may see themselves as empaths and indeed, you can be both- HSP vs Empath. Though I identify more as an HSP, I do tend to absorb subtle energy from other people and the environment. In small, controlled doses, I believe this makes me a better person, teacher, trainer, and friend. 

So, this weekend, I had only one client scheduled Saturday morning and was looking forward to a little down time. I have also been struggling with recurring muscular back pain and planned to do a little self care. Just before my client arrived, I saw there was a voicemail from one of the places I am employed. After listening to the message I was completely agitated. They were wondering where I was because I was scheduled to teach that morning. It was not on my schedule.

For the record, I keep three calendars. A digital calendar on my computer that syncs with my phone, an old school day planner and a dry erase board on the wall above my computer. I do this because I work in multiple places and like to make certain I know what my commitments are and if I have space to sub or adjust to accommodate clients. 

I called back and got a voicemail. I left a message apologizing profusely. When my client arrived, she could see I was visibly upset and immediately hugged me. I love her! She didn't try to fix me, she just let me know she cared. As soon as I was able, I checked my emails and saw that I had never said I would sub on Saturday 7/2 because the sub requests did not begin until the week of the fourth. I went through a multitude of email exchanges to be sure I hadn't made a mistake. I spoke to the supervisor on duty and followed up with an email and screen shot of the classes I agreed to sub in the email thread. Though I handled as much as I could, it is a holiday weekend and I am unlikely to hear back from anyone. 

The whole situation has fueled my anxiety as I wonder how many people showed up? That both co-workers and students alike think I let them down. I don't know what happened, who was set to teach and with no resolution, the (unlikely) possibility I screwed up is hard to shake. I employed all my skills, reassuring myself that I can only control my response, that I did the best I could, that the situation would be sorted, etc. Eventually the agitation dissipated.

Amidst the internal chaos of the circumstances, I completed all of my usual Saturday chores including washing all of my bedding as well as the dog. I finished a rather amusing book, The Patron Saint of Second Chances and did my best to relax and recharge. I slept okay and awoke somewhat rested. I fantasize about deep restorative sleep. A friend told me recently that she did not have a television in her bedroom to help with sleep. I replied that yes, the bedroom is suppossed to be for sleep and sex only and I wasn't getting either (but only sad about one)! She (and everyone else I shared this with) laughed. I so love connecting with and finding humor in the goofiness of life. How else does one survive with any sanity or humanity?

On Sunday, after completing my morning routine and nearly ready to walk my pug, I returned to my bedroom to discover the dog throwing up on my bed and freshly washed bedding. Dismay is the best word to describe my feelings. Sorry my girl was in distress but also, that the work of the previous day was for naught! I cleaned up, evaluated the damage and got started on rectifying the situation. Poppy & I left for our walk about 6ish. It was a hot, sticky walk and despite having plenty of water, I worried about my girl and did everything I could to keep her comfortable. We stayed in the shade, walked on wet grass, through the sprinklers and of course, she drank the water I brought.

We arrived home and I waited before starting breakfast, giving her time to cool down. I boiled chicken to add to her dry food and the water spilled over on my stove the floor and me before I could remove it from the heat. Totally my fault for not lowering the heat sooner and getting distracted. Of course, I go into cleaning overdrive! No one wants salmonella or gross chicken juice on their floor, appliances or person. A three step process involving soap & water, disinfecting wipes and removal of all fabrics touched (clothes, sponge, paper towels, hand towels) either disposed of or washed left me feeling like I was moving in the right direction.

I had a mellow rest of the morning, enjoying a new book before taking my daughter shopping and hanging out a bit. She wanted to do a Pilates workout and I obliged. I try not to lecture or push people about the benefits of exercise, especially family. They know what I do and will sometimes ask for direction. I am occasionally more pointed if I think that their quality of life will be negatively impacted and that conversation needs to happen. After shopping, working and hanging out, her father (she's with him currently) came to pick her up for more shopping.

Before my daughter left, I decided to complete one of the many small nagging projects on my list. I have a tiny set of yoga gnomes and one of the little dudes hands had broken off. I got out the Crazy Glue. If you've used Crazy Glue at any point in your life, you anticipate gluing your fingers together and not being able to use that tube again because it is glued shut. So, after successfully gluing my gnomes little hand to my own, my daughter came to help. Of course, hilarity ensued but eventually the task was completed and we both managed to get our own fingers apart!

This is life... messy, funny, frustrating, sometimes wonderful and sometimes incredibly unfair. I take the best, try to handle the worst and enjoy as much as I can but it's not always easy. The hard part is managing the expectations of others. I find so many seek someone to blame and as a person that is willing to own my mistakes (and sometimes more responsibility/accountability than is mine to bear) people take advantage. We learn and grow (hopefully) but sometimes we are not in the optimal environment for either. As often as possible I remind myself to be grateful. Life is a practice. Growth is not possible without struggle. The best we can do, is to be aware, kind and open. The alternative is far less appealing.

That's Amore

My Book Club recently read and discussed One Italian Summer. One of the things I enjoyed most about the book were the delightful descriptions of food and wine. It made me hungry and wanting to expand my cooking repertoire. I remember feeling similarly when I read Under the Tuscan Sun (totally different than the movie) and Eat, Pray, Love.

Recently, a friend and book club member gave me a couple of books (is there any better gift?) including Sunrise By The Sea. Though the book is set in Great Britain, one of the central characters is of Italian descent. Suffering from depression, anxiety and rapidly becoming agoraphobic, Marissa begins to cook with her Italian Grandmother via Skype. The relationship fills a void for both of them after the death of her Grandfather and helps Marissa return to the pleasure of cooking and eating again.

I haven't finished reading the book but I happened across this article The Pasta Sauce Hailed as the World’s Best Is Surprisingly Easy to Make at Home. After reading it, I knew I had to make this sauce and give it a try. The recipe comes from Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking by Marcella Hazan. My sister has a copy and makes the Bolognese Sauce which is also quite delicious but includes ground beef. Alas, my daughter is vegetarian and I do not eat red meat so, with just three ingredients that did not include meat this sauce seemed perfect.

I forced myself to follow the recipe exactly. I always do the first time I make something but I can't help wanting to tweak things based on my own preferences. I really wanted to add garlic to this but chose to satisfy that urge by making garlic bread to go with the pasta and sauce. I chose to listen to Italian Dinner Music and sip an inexpensive red wine to fully enjoy and immerse myself in the experience.

I am only half way through the book but I relate to Marissa so strongly. Though not debilitated by my mental health issues, I have definitely experienced anxiety, and depression. Finding small pleasures such as cooking and reading are so important when you are in a dark place. It can be hard to find the desire, time or energy but it is important to get a foothold when you are in despair.

I ran into a friend this morning that shared her own mental health challenges and I listened, encouraged and did my best to support her in our brief encounter. I think we could all benefit from feeling heard with compassion. So often people want to fix the problem or the person and are uncomfortable hearing that someone they know and care for is in pain. Marissa experiences this as does Katy in One Italian Summer after the death of her mother. Though very different characters, both are grieving and experience a lack of understanding along with an expectation of a timeline for getting over it. 

There is no timeline when you lose someone. Birthdays, anniversaries of their passing and every holiday makes you think of them. Songs, places, people, it all hurts in the beginning. The pain fades with time but sometimes the longing for the lost loved one hits you like a sucker punch just when you think you have learned to live with the loss. For all of my grieving friends, find your people, know you are not alone and seek small pleasures where you can.

Ten minutes into cooking, my house smelled delightful. The music was playing softly in the background. The sauce was amazing! Simple and surprisingly clean considering the amount of butter. My garlic bread was a bit overdone but still tasty. If you are serving more than a couple of people, consider doubling the recipe. 

Some years ago, my nephew was stationed in Italy and invited me to visit. I have never enjoyed traveling (it's the getting there) but like exploring new places. I allowed my "play it safe" mentality to prevent me from taking the chance and I do regret that. But, I can experience a place I love to read about through food and wine. Though it is not the same, reading takes me to different places and times. Cooking and music allows me to feel connected to those places and times. I hope you find and pursue some simple pleasures on your terms. Connection is so important.

 

It's Too Darn Hot

I broke down and turned the air conditioner on today, it was 93 degrees.  I took advantage of the still fairly cool morning and opened the windows. I also opened the umbrellas to shade the back half of the house. Between my preemptive strike and my ceiling fans I made it until 4 in the afternoon when the indoor temp hit 80. The A/C is set at 78 throughout the summer to strike a balance between keeping the pets and people comfortable and trying to manage the cost.

I took the blanket off my bed, washed and stored it, hoping I might need to pull it out one last time. It is only March! I use a light quilt and add the blanket between the sheets and quilt as the weather cools. I even have a comforter I throw on top when it is really chilly, which is not that often. I see why people like weighted blankets. I have a regular blanket but enjoy the weight of it combined with the rest of the bedding.

So, the blanket is off, the A/C is on and I find myself questioning why I live here, especially with the crazy housing situation. The housing market seems crazy everywhere and since my daughter has another year of high school, I'm not going anywhere soon. Still, I miss living somewhere that people think is hot when the weather looks like my app today. It will be 20 degrees warmer through the vast majority of the summer. The hottest I have experienced is 122. Yep, you read that right, it is literally hell! Too Darn Hot!

Don't get me wrong, it's pretty nice October to April but as you can see, we get some hot days on either end and summer lasts about 5 months here. I do appreciate the optimistic people that say three months of a dry heat makes the rest of the year worth it. I am realist though so, there's that.

At dinner time, I simply could not bear to turn on the oven. I love a sheet pan dinner and roasted veggies...yum! Once the temp is over 80, I try not to use the oven unless I can use both shelves.  Since my daughter was dining at Casa de Boyfriend, I decided on stove top roasting. One of my go to's is pan seared salmon in lemon butter. I combined this with red potatoes, Brussels sprouts, mushrooms and garlic in olive oil with a pinch of sea salt and fresh ground pepper. Maximal flavor and minimal heat for the win.