Too Pooped to Party

 I spent a fitful night and woke up to my cat Milo patting my arm before the coffee maker came on at 5am.

"You're not the boss of me", I mumbled sleepily. He assured me he was with a loud meow and 

commenced jumping on the bed and walking across my body to prove it. Men!

My fitness tracker sealed the deal, four hours of sleep with a failing sleep score and a long day ahead. 

Today is the fourth of July and apparently I missed the memo that last night was the firework dress 

rehearsal. Patience and impulse control be damned.

I managed to do all the usual house maintenance. Feeding pets, walking Poppy, cleaning the cat box, a 

load of laundry and then off to work. Four group classes and a private training and I was spent. I came 

home, ate and vegged for a while. I barely interacted with people other than work. Usually I post and text 

4th of July greetings to friends and family. Instead, I'm trying to find the sweet spot for my evening stroll

 with the dog.  That looks like the lowest possible temperature before it's dark and the shenanigans begin.

There's been a lot of extra adulting lately. After losing Harvey bunny, my manager quit and with summer 

vacations and holidays, there's been a scramble to find last minute coverage for classes. My schedule has 

been extra busy both at work and with appointments. Next week, I may have jury duty. Not sure when I 

drew the short straw but I get called almost like clock work every two years.

Sunday morning I found out that a dear friend had passed. I took a little time to myself but with the above 

status, I'm going to have to push through this week. There's a bit of breathing space next week, assuming I

 am not chosen to serve.

Comings and Goings

Wednesday 3/29 was full of adulting! I had lab work early in the morning (the last of the routine maintenance that becomes a bit more heavy with age). Later in the day I saw my accountant to file taxes. This was a rescheduled appointment.  The firm moved offices and asked me to come this week, rather than last. Though I enjoy neither of these necessities, there is something poetic about blood and taxes!

I am in a state of transition. I can't remember the last time I wasn't. Though my current changes are mostly positive, change is still hard. I was encouraged to pursue some professional growth and pushed myself to make it happen even though I really didn't think I had it in me. 

The last few years have been challenging. It feels like I've been treading water, just staying afloat. I am a survivor but I am also tired and not as resilient as I used to be. Not only did I complete the Master Teacher training but I just finished my first teacher training two weeks ago. I had the most amazing group of women and I think it went well.

As more options became available professionally, I had to make some really difficult choices. Though I love what I do, I put my career on the back burner to parent and missed some opportunities in the academic environment. Given the state of that environment, I may have dodged a bullet but it was still disappointing. So, I have been letting go of things I love doing because I can no longer afford not to prioritize myself and my career. Not sure why, but this feels so challenging!

When I started 34 years ago this summer, I didn't know fitness, health & wellness would become a career. A dozen certifications two degrees, and a pandemic later, I'm still here. The pandemic, on the heels of my divorce, seriously had me thinking about giving up and trying something else. With a few exceptions, there are not a lot of job opportunities that provide a liveable wage in my industry. I love teaching and learning and thought I would find a full time faculty position. I applied when things opened up and had a few interviews but couldn't seem to get through the process successfully.

I also tried for several positions with another long time employer but again, didn't seem to have what they were looking for. The pandemic was eye opening for me in terms of the different pivots my places of employment made. Despite all of the mandatory trainings required at the two places I have been employed longest, the feeling of being supported and included came from another place. A newer place of employment and one that has continued to make me feel like I belong.

Without dragging out the long history of me, I have rarely felt that I belonged anywhere. I could fit in but that is not the same.  Don't get me wrong, there has always been a person or two that did seem to appreciate me. The problem is that the structure of some organizations limit those people, even those in supervisory roles, in terms of what they can make happen.

So, after working for up to six employers at a time in the last few years both virtually and in-person, I realized I just can't do it anymore. It was fine when I first started. I was young, teaching up to 20 dance and fitness classes a week while pursuing my own academic and physical endeavors. It was alright as a secondary income to my partner and allowed me to be the primary caregiver to my daughter while staying in the work world.

As a divorced, single woman beyond what is considered middle age, it was definitely not fine. So, after trying to rise to the occasion (pandemic, single, starting over). Applying for multiple jobs, learning a multitude of technologies and trying to offer friends and family exercise content via FB live or YouTube (yes while working several jobs and starting over) because I wanted to stay connected and I cared about the people I no longer got to see in person. I burnt out. 

These last couple of weeks have challenged me in some good ways and some hard ways. I let go of several classes with one employer to take on more responsibility with another. Good because of opportunities for growth, support and financial stability. Hard because I love the people I work with and teach in both places. The worst part? Discovering that maybe I belong more than I think and it is such a sweet surprise that the comings and goings feel even more profound. 

Thank you to all of the thoughtful, amazing students that not only expressed support despite feeling sad I would not be teaching regularly. But also, to those that welcomed me with open arms as their Master Trainer and those that seem to appreciate seeing more of me. After what seems like many years of rejection both personally and professionally, your support and kind words mean the world. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". While I love and appreciate so many of her words of wisdom, I would argue that there are times we can be cognizant of our responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. And there are time we find ourselves at their mercy. To be human is to feel the full spectrum and to ride the highs and lows of awareness, perception and reaction as well as responsibility.

If you are still reading, thank you. Thank you for your support, your kindness and your friendship. So many of you have broken down my walls of isolation, and convinced me that maybe I do belong after all and I am grateful!

LVII

I always know what Superbowl we are on because me & the Sup are the same age. This is useful in remembering Roman numerals! Seriously, I used to be a pretty avid watcher of football and loved playing the game as well. I can't say I am a fan because I have never really been a fanatic type of person. At the height of my football interest, I supported the Dolphins. I'm not sure why. Maybe my junior high school self liked the colors and the cute dolphin wearing a football helmet? When the Dolphins played the San Francisco 49ers in the 1985 Superbowl, I was the only one I knew rooting for the fish! I really wanted Marino to get a ring. As a Northern California native, I had seen several 9ers games at Candlestick Park. I would see several other teams at different stadiums over the years before determining that I prefer football on television. It's hard to see what is happening on the field and you end up watching the big screen replays as much as the actual plays. For me, the benefits of seeing a game in person do not outweigh the detriments, parking, loudness, cost and getting trapped trying to leave. I actually auditioned for Gold Rush, the 49ers cheeleaders, twice. The first time for the experience and the second time to support a friend that wanted the experience. That time I made it to the last cut and felt really good about it. I learned early on that I was never going to get any kind of linework. I am way too short and throw off any line so, not getting cut until the end was enough for me! After having a child and then pursuing a graduate degree, football was one of many things that moved to the back burner. Honestly, I rarely watched TV (would rather read) and that helped me focus on my studies and parenting. The television I did watch was Baby Einstein videos and PBS kids! I avoided commercial television to minimize the "I wants" that come from ads for toys, sugary cereals and general crap. My football interest turned to supporting my husbands team and making snacks for he and any friends during games. I love hosting a gathering, feeding people and making things nice. So, here we are, Superbowl LVII. I have a few friends that are Eagles fans but I'm not really invested in the outcome other than to support people I like. Still, I thought I would watch some of the game and downloaded Fox Sports on my TV because it was streaming free. Somehow I ended up with Fox Sports Espanol. So, I tried CBS Sports. English, Spanish, they were equally loud and annoying. I had the volume on my television all the way down and it was still too loud. It's the same at the movies. Is everyone losing their hearing? At any rate, I have been watching the scores and am not surprised to see that the Eagles are in the lead. All of the research I did pointed to them being the team to beat but it's too early to predict. I am looking forward to the half time show. Rihanna is one of my favorite artists and I feel certain she will give an amazing performance. Even though I am home alone with the pets, I decided to make myself a little game day food. I love La Brea Bakery French Dinner Rolls and used one to create a little slider. Turkey bacon, aged white cheddar, avocado, tomato, arugula and Dijon mustard. I also made some sweet potato fries (not pictured) and it was delicious! Game day has changed a lot over the years. From the company I keep to the food I eat but my interest in football has been rekindled. I miss throwing, catching, running.I have always been physically capable. Not the best but not the last to be chosen. The truth is, I do love sports but please don't call me a fan!

Ups & Downs

Stylish vacation mode!

 
So, this happened last week: I drop my girl off for her music lesson and hit Fry’s (same shopping center).
I put the groceries in the car and am walking through the parking lot to music studio. While looking over my shoulder to make sure no cars are coming, I trip on a speed bump and go flying. I am shocked to find myself splayed across said speed bump & quickly jump up. Even though my previously injured hamstring was letting me know it was not happy! Only one witness saw me and asked if I was okay? I quickly replied yes, I just felt stupid and she responded with kindness telling me not to feel stupid. I wish my embarrassment did not prevent me from appreciating her kindness and hope she knew I was grateful for her gesture.

Honestly, I feel like my Doctor jinxed me when she asked at my annual visit if I had fallen. I looked at her blankly and realized she was asking because of my age! I'm sorry but I think my age is too young to be asked that question, or at least I did until the parking lot incident.

 

It’s been a hard few years but I feel like we are getting back to us (me & my girl). We always had a different relationship than she & her Dad. There was never a competition just different connections.
Being a Mom is the most difficult role I have undertaken. Less because of us and our relationship and more because of societal expectations and the BS of life. When the world tells you it’s the greatest, most rewarding job but it comes without remuneration, prestige or actual respect, it feels like you’re trapped in a sea of expectation with very little support.

This week my girl is in Hawaii with her Dad. I am on mail, trash/recycling duty at his house and bunny duty at mine. They are gone for 10 days! Friends have told me I'm nice to help and this surprises me. I never hated the man (might have been easier if I did). Honestly, forgiving him has been far easier than forgiving myself. Besides, we share a child and a large part of parenting is being a role model. Life with a teenager (soon a legal adult) is interesting.

My girl is going through the normal phase of distancing herself from us (her parents) and becoming more independent. The other day while driving, I told her, "I can't believe I will be 60 in three years". She countered with, "I'll be 20 and that's worse!" I asked why and she told me I was already good at being an adult so, the number wasn't as hard for me. She, on the other hand, didn't know how to do it and was a little scared at the prospect. This kid is so smart and aware, I know she'll be okay but her logic made sense. Finding our way back to the relationship of a Mother and daughter that have open, honest conversations about everything feels good. I think she knows I have her back and I appreciate feeling loved and trusted.

Her texts from Hawaii have been loving and fun. I can't wait to hear all about her trip and truly hope she and her Dad have a blast. Abby has always had two very different parents that show their love in disparate ways.  I think she recognizes that and is starting to appreciate those differences like she seemed to before our divorce.

Evening Stroll

Looking West from Freestone Park

 

It rained most of Saturday and into Sunday morning. I managed to get my dog out for a quick business walk last night and this morning. The day was grey and cloudy and Milo, Poppy and I spent a good deal of time on the couch. Me reading and the pets taking turns snuggling me which I love except when they steal the blanket!

I hadn't been feeling well most of the week. My allergies seem worse this year but the humidity brought by the rain helped. Another thing that helps is exercise so, I put the harness on my pug and headed out for a sunset stroll. The sky was a beautiful mix of color and the temperature mild. The air smelled clean from all of the rain, punctuated with wood smoke here and there.

I knew some of the normal routes I take would be muddy and chose to head over to Freestone park avoiding the dirt trail and opting for the paved walkways. The skate park had a light crowd as did most of the other areas with the exception of the playground. The soccer field was submerged underwater dwarfing the lake in my back yard easily.

The carnival area was still open and we passed the little train heading in the opposite direction as we circled the lake. It's cute to see parents and children riding and waving but the smell of gasoline is awful!  I used to take my daughter there when she was small and the fumes were always a turn off. 

As I came back around passing the brightly lit merry go round, a worker was singing in a loud, slightly off tune voice to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" while cleaning up. That song reminds me of my sister Holly throwing tinsel on her tree with the bubble lights. I had a smile on my face as I turned east and headed for home.

It was pretty dark but the lights were on over the tennis and basketball courts at the corner park so, most of the walkway was lit. I pulled out my phone and used the flashlight to illuminate the dark corner covered with wet leaves. So glad I did! I not only avoided slipping on the leaves but also managed to miss a cockroach the size of a skateboard I surely would have stepped on. Yuck, I can almost hear the crunch of the exoskeleton.

After the walk, my sinuses felt a bit better and I put my pajamas on to spend a little more time reading. The shortest day of the year is around the corner and I feel the pull to slow down. I'm not the best at relaxing but sometimes you have to acknowledge your own biology. Said the woman wearing pajamas at 6pm!

Finally!

The weather is finally starting to cool. The change has been most noticeable in the mornings and I have extended my walks a bit. This past weekend was delightful and I opened my windows for a short while on Sunday! Poppy & I hit the Western Power Line Trail. We only do this once a week because it requires crossing Val Vista Dr (a very busy street) twice. A good friend introduced me to this route during the Pandemic. Life has changed for both of us and I've missed our walks so, on Sunday I revisit this route.

The Western Power Line trail is a bit busier than the trail running North/South midway between Val Vista & Greenfield. The buzzing of the lines and the foot & bike traffic are more noticeable E/W vs. N/S. I tried to find a name for the N/S trail but other than this Interactive Bicycle Trail Map, I was not able to name the trail. While heading east on the Western Power Line Trail, we encounter some chickens and goats and an occasional sheep. I haven't seen the goats or sheep lately and of course I wonder where they've ended up  and if they are still alive?

As we intersect the N/S trail there are a series of poles. I'm not sure if they are supposed to slow bike traffic or keep vehicles from using the trail, but I refer to one of them as the "Harry Potter Pole". You can probably guess why...Gryffindor! Actually, my house is Ravenclaw but I digress. We head north and turn into the neighborhood called Sonoma Ranch. It's probably ridiculous but I'm from Sonoma County and for some reason the name makes me feel connected to my roots.

From here we travel back towards my neighborhood and another crossing over Val Vista. Poppy is highly stimulated by the traffic and would run to her death if I somehow dropped the leash. Sometimes I pick her up and carry her across. I keep hoping immersion therapy will help but so far, not. I breathe a sigh of relief after we cross the street and head back to our neighborhood.

I've been watching for the return of the owls. They usually come back and take residence at the neighborhood park as the weather cools and leave when it heats up. Literal snowbirds! Their nests have mostly survived the Monsoon season, though I can't say the same for some of the trees and branches. We got a lot of rain this season which is a good thing but of course, it came with a price. So many downed trees and branches and I worry about the animals that make their homes there.

So, the owls haven't returned and I have not become the curiosity of my neighbors that visit the park just yet!  Every year I wonder if they think I am speaking to the Lord as I look up and say hello to the owls. :-) Yep, I greet all of the animals I encounter, including those that have met an untimely demise. I usually say something like, "I'm sorry friend, I hope you had a good life." I somehow feel like someone should acknowledge their passing. So there it is...I talk to animals both dead or alive. Maybe I am crazy?!

Today was a full day for me and I took Poppy to see her BFF, aka the dog sitters pug. On my way out of the neighborhood, two ducks stepped off of the median into oncoming traffic. I said aloud, "please slow down, please don't kill the ducks!" The guy in the white Kia Soul did slow a bit. The ducks took flight and as I began to relax, the guy looked at me and grinned. I looked at my clasped hands and noticed my worried grimace in the rear view and realized I must've been a sight. Who cares? The ducks lived to see another day, go ahead and laugh!

When I was a kid, one of my sisters gave me the Little House on the Prairie books and another gave me All Creatures Great & Small. I love animals and nature. It is part of the reason I have stopped eating red meat and am working toward vegetarianism like my daughter who also loves animals. For me, the issue is not that we eat meat but that livestock is treated so poorly while alive. No field(s) to roam, literally tortured until slaughter. I can't live with that, so I protest in my own way.

So, back to the weather! I love this time of year. The sun rises later and sets earlier but still allows me time to walk and enjoy nature. I appreciate the slant of light. The way the sunrise takes time to glide across the earth casting rays through the trees and sending dappled light across the streets and sidewalks. I like the way the mornings feel almost chilly and the promise of cooler weather and the cozy season. I found this recipe and my daughter and I are excited to fire up the oven and bake cookies. Scary Peanut Butter Spider Cookies

We've started some new endeavors, my girl & I. I hope the very best for both of us both in terms of our pursuits and enjoying the changes that come with the season. Framing change as excitement vs. anxiety can help to successfully navigate those changes Anxiety/Excitement. I hope that for you too! We can all use a bit of rest and something to look forward to.

The Good, The Bad, & the Happiest Place on Earth

I was 18 the first time I went to Disneyland. It also happened to be the first time I had flown on an airplane. I returned 12 years later when an evening at Disneyland was included as part of the IDEA Personal Training Summit. I mostly helped my room mate from Chicago find souveneirs for her kids & spouse. The other two roommates from China liked to stay out late and party! 

The next time I went to Disneyland was a full 19 years later! Abby was 8 and I was approaching 49. It was a family trip with Dad, Grandma, Abby & I. Just after Christmas, so the decor and attractions were still there. Though we had fun, there was already strain in my marriage and the most fun I had was when Abby & I went to the park alone. Some people were surprised I waited so long. I wanted to go when our daughter was old enough to walk and handle long days and would also remember the trip.

Fast forward nearly nine years later and my girl and I went to Disneyland, just the two of us. In the last few years we have only taken a couple other road trips and we needed to get away. I asked my girl what sounded fun during Fall Break and close to her birthday. She chose Disneyland! It has felt like one thing after the next with the most recent negative experience, an active shooter threat that ended her homecoming dance early and freaked everyone out.

So, I planned the trip and did what I always do...looked for the best deal and the optimal time to go. I am currently doing a lot of training for one of my employers and the schedule this month is busy. It was either this weekend or the last weekend of the month. Abby didn't want to travel on Halloween so, this was our weekend! I worked Friday morning until noon and she had a partial school day. I picked her up at 1:30 after stressing myself out and trying to do too much before I left.

With the dog safely at the dog sitter and the cat in the care of an amazing friend, I loaded up the car with my suitcase, backpack, a cooler with snacks & drinks, a blanket and neck pillow for Abby & a book to listen to. I picked up my girl at her Dad's & we were on the road. We encountered the worst traffic of the trip after making our way through Phoenix and heading West. Eventually the traffic and construction eased up around Tolleson and we made good time to Quartzsite where I stopped for gas. 

After fueling up, we made our way to Palm Springs to meet my brother. I hadn't seen my brother in years, not since he retired and moved from Oakland! We arrived at about 6 and hung out and talked for awhile. Later his friend and caregiver came over and we went to dinner. My brother is 17 years my senior and has had some physical challenges that require some in home care. Other than that, he was still the same and we had a nice time reminiscing and enjoying a meal.

We left early the next day, leaving a note for my still sleeping brother. He is more of a night owl (like my daughter) and I am a lark. On the road at 7:30, my girl slept her way to the motel. I had purchased a package with a "Good Neighbor" rather than staying at a Disney resort. I have stayed at a Disney resort two other times and while they were nice, they weren't really any closer and about a thousand dollars more. Frugal me, just couldn't do it so, we stayed at the Motel 6 Anaheim Main gate. The walk was about the same to Disney, with fewer people.

Foolish me, I thought the reservation system would make the crowds smaller but it did not! The mornings weren't too bad and since we arrived at the hotel at 9:30 and the Disney resort at 10:00, I decided to spring for the Disney Genie Plus for $20 bucks each. This allowed us to take advantage of the Lightening Lanes but after a day of navigating limitations, I chose not to do it on Sunday.  The mornings and early afternoons were pretty good but as the day turned to night the throng of people became overwhelming!

There were definitely more people than the last time I was there and the sea of strollers and mobility scooters was intense. I do not begrudge anyone but we felt defenseless without something between us and the crowds. We bobbed and weaved our way through for the most part but did not attend any evening events because by then both of us felt so anxious we needed to leave. 

Both nights we got trapped in stores. The first night Abby grabbed my hand and as we navigated our way out of the store, I heard a man say, "did you just push me?' in a confrontational way. I never looked back. We were swallowed by the throng of people and escaped into the night! The second night was just as bad and I sent my girl outside while I purchased the item she had chosen for a friend. When I finally emerged, her panic attack had subsided and she had made some friends at a Downtown Disney kiosk.

We did have a lot of fun but there were many not fun things. People walked several bodies wide, oblivious to others. You have the right to walk at your own pace but it would be nice if you left some passing room. I walk quickly and so does my girl. Most people meander and that is their prerogative but it shouldn't make it impossible to pass. We did not encounter too many people with manners. Rarely was there an excuse me or even an awareness of others as people abruptly stopped to talk to each other or look at their phones. It just felt like a frenetic free for all! Disney- Prices, Passes, People

None-the-less, we did have fun! Despite the fact that I broke my sunglasses piloting the Millennium Falcon, or that the Haunted House broke down while we were in line or even that there was a key card fiasco at our hotel, we still had fun. I purchased some new sunglasses, the ride was fixed while we waited (plus we moved up a lot as people with less patience left for other options) and the hotel managed the situation as well as I think they could have.

The best food we had was at the Anaheim Garden Walk. After scoping out the place, we decided on the Mexican Restaurant. As I waited to put my name in, the person in front of me asked their question and then moved aside. The hostess looked at me and walked away without a word. I decided I would order at the pop-up taco stand not far from the restaurant and had the best Chipotle shrimp street tacos.

It was a great escape for the two of us and some good Mother Daughter time. We laughed at some of the overheard conversations. Mother to child with Dad a few feet in front, "I don't know where Daddy is going, he's not being a good communicator." Preteen boy to another preteen boy, "who's your favorite serial killer?" Should I be afraid? Best thing we saw, a Mom in the Disney stroller with her child while husband pushed. Abby & I thought maybe we should get one of those strollers and take turns pushing each other! Everyone else seemed to have a battering ram, why not us?

I'm impressed with the people that go often and with very small children. My anxiety gets to me in these situations and was worse for my child who doesn't have the years of practice or the tools that I have gathered over my lifetime. I had shared with my sister, that I was less concerned about Covid and more concerned about the social mood, especially in large groups. I wasn't wrong. There is just a lot of anger and indifference in the world. A sense that people are looking for conflict. That feeling makes me want to stay at home. 

Maybe you don't feel it, and I am glad for you. The agitation of being hyper aware is exhausting and being oblivious sounds like a luxury I will never experience. While I was on my vacation I spent time emailing and texting one employer to make sure my classes were covered. I checked my other work email to ensure my online students had "regular and substantive interaction". There is no reward for this, no extra pay, no kudos. Your efforts are only noticed if you fail to do the work. Is it any wonder people are quiet quitting?

My daughter will be 17 this week. She has struggled and she has prevailed and the cycle has been challenging. If I'm being honest, I have also found myself in the spin cycle of life. I am currently trying to make something happen. To put more effort into a single employer that has encouraged and supported me tangibly, not just with words. I like all of my places of employment for different reasons but some are limited in the structure and I am looking to focus on my personal and professional growth. I must go where there are opportunities but it feels so selfish to prioritize my career and my financial well-being. So, here I am, trying to show my daughter that it is possible to be a kind, caring person and still prioritize yourself. If I can make it happen, I think I'll actually find the Happiest Place on Earth!

Self Care September

The nights are stretching further into the day, with sunrise coming later and sunset coming sooner. We had a fantastic storm last night on the heels of a beautiful harvest moon. This morning the temperature was lower than the humidity, 76 degrees to 78 percent respectively. A light, almost cool breeze made walking more pleasurable than it has been. I enjoy walking my dog each morning but the heat and humidity have been oppressive this monsoon season. Fortunately, we've received a good amount of much needed rain. 

It is nearly fall but any desert dweller, transplant or native, knows summer does not go quietly. Halloween costumes must be considered carefully knowing it is still likely to be uncomfortable in heavy apparel. None-the-less, I am anticipating the change. The cooler weather, decorating, passing out candy, making Thanksgiving dinner. I often say I'm more of a sweater than a swimsuit person and I can feel my time is coming!

I think cautious optimism may be in the air. The hope that life is returning to something resembling normal however defined. The hunger for stability, simplicity and above all, harmony. I've shared that many in my circle have uttered the words, "I don't know what's wrong with me." Recently, a friend told me that she just feels "off" and couldn't quite describe it. I said I thought that collectively we had a low grade fever of agitation and disappointment. She grasped that thought, repeating it to herself and even writing it down. To me, it is the crux of our dis-ease. A maelstrom of forced change, uncertainty and societal angst. We are tired and wired, the effects of chronic stress.

September is national self-care awareness month. A great opportunity to find and do the things that make you feel good. I had a mani-pedi last week and have tried to incorporate small acts of care for myself each day. I am also working on bigger changes but at a much slower pace. I meditate each morning but have begun to carve out a little time for myofascial release prior to my walk and stretching post.

My body is tired. Not just the muscle soreness that is normal in my profession but skeletal discomfort and mental fatigue. I have decided to scale back my physical teaching, looking for the right number of classes and formats that allow me to feel and give my best. It can be difficult to prioritize your own well-being but choosing to do so is an important step. So many care givers of any sort are plagued with a sense of duty and guilt for possibly letting someone down. On the other side of that can be irritability and resentment.

So each day, I do some small self-care practice like writing, stretching, making myself a good meal. Each week, I am doing something a little bigger like the mani-pedi last week, the facial this week, hair next week and a massage the following. I know, it's a splurge but I think about how I can drop big money shopping for my daughter at Target. Quietly putting things I wanted back to save money so she can get what she wants and needs. I think most Mom's can relate but this month, I'm not going to martyr myself...much. For the record, I do say no and call her attention to wants vs needs but it's an exhausting lesson to teach and line to hold.

Sometimes the very people we care about the most, struggle to support our efforts to prioritize our own well-being and self-care. Not because they're uncaring but because when you are the one that regularly gives more, and makes sacrifices, the people in your circle learn that their needs matter more. Maybe not consciously, but inadvertently.

I have often said that it feels difficult to maintain boundaries without keeping score but it is important to try. This is why, small acts of kindness and self-care matter. You are demonstrating that you are an important contributor to the family, team, relationship, etc. You are reminding others and maybe yourself that you matter. So, take a stab at showing yourself some love because you are worthy of at least a little bit of the care and effort you put into everyone and everything else!

This is a favorite meditation of mine-

https://insighttimer.com/barbarafaison/guided-meditations/hooponopono-a-self-forgiveness-practice

Time

27    Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary.  I was glad for the distraction of work and feeling like I am beginning to settle in. I'm capable of fitting in almost anywhere but I rarely feel that I belong. Today with hugs and conversation between classes and laughter and connection during, I felt good. Yes, it's been nearly four years that I've been working here but between my divorce and the pandemic, never mind the shock waves both have created, it has taken me a while to relax, to trust and to believe that I might belong.

24    The number of years I was married. So many people have told me I am resilient, and positive. Sometimes I wonder if they are saying that for themselves? I am a survivor but I am weary and sad and sometimes self-destructive in thoughts and deeds. I am in pain and it makes people uncomfortable, including me. The good news is that I am starting to feel a glimmer of hope. Seeing the possibility of moving forward (even though I have continuously put one foot in front of the other) and recognizing I might not feel the weight of grief and sadness is new.

17    The age my daughter will be on her birthday in October. She has had a tough time navigating divorce and high school in a pandemic world. I think most parents want to help their children thrive and I have felt so guilty for making the hardest choice I have ever made at such a pivotal point in her life. Staying married would have destroyed me but leaving wasn't much better. I could have stayed and modeled an unhealthy relationship or left and shown her that you have to be your own best advocate. I chose the latter. As she begins her last year of high school, I want her to know that it is okay to choose you. To not always sacrifice yourself for others and to know that does not make you selfish. You can care for others and prioritize yourself. It is a hard and important lesson for women to learn because the world will take everything you have to give and ask for more without an ounce of regret or responsibility. First Day of School

10     The number of years I considered divorce before I acted. Not because things were hard, I can do hard, but because you can't do hard alone when you are in a partnership. You both have to be on board, have each others back and prioritize each other no matter what. I read somewhere that a woman considers divorce for an average of seven years before acting. I guess I am an overachiever but I truly believed we could make it work. I was wrong. The bottom line is there were too many transgressions, too many overtly hurtful acts that I forgave because I believed in the person I loved. Why I didn't consider the words of one of my favorite authors can only be described as blinded by love, or possibly comfortable with chaos. “When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.” ― Maya Angelou

3    It will be three years in October since I moved out. My lease began in September but I waited to move out until after my daughter's birthday the first week of October. She had just started high school in August and I knew the timing sucked for everyone but especially her. I asked her if she wanted me to stay until after her birthday and she did. My husband and I had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a year. He in the basement and I in the room we used to share. At that point my rescue pug was dying, likely a brain tumor and I was doing my best to mitigate his discomfort. I was also working for 4 different employers and trying to set up a new single household. It all sucked but I kept pushing through.

3 again    My daughter had always wanted a cat but her Dad is allergic. After I moved in to my new place, we visited Friends for Life and adopted a cat she chose. He was  listed as a brown tabby but is at least part Maine coon.  A week after we brought him home, we added a sweet pug baby to our home and named her Poppy. My sisters pitched in to buy her for me and one of my sisters came to visit and had met all of the cute puppies.  I had had a little housewarming while my sister visited and some of my favorite women came to support me. I felt loved and like I had a tribe.

Still 3   The truth is, I have amazing friends and family but the pandemic years changed a lot of things. One of my employers shone. Showing up, being responsive, supportive and creating much needed community in a time of isolation. Some of my friends and family responded one way and some another. The people that recognized and accepted that different people will have different responses are the ones that I feel most aligned with. Not because we agree but we are okay with the fact that each of us has to make our own choices.

3 one last time    Sometimes I spiral. I think I have failed at marriage, motherhood and my career. Other times, I recognize how lucky I am. I have built a community, created programs and made a home and something of a new life. I know so many women in the same boat. Women with long term marriages that have ended. Women that keep moving forward and trying to be the best they can in their careers, as parents and as people. I also know people that seem to be in a good place and still struggle. Guess what? We didn't come with the same set of anything! Coping skills, personalities, whatever. Our perspectives are different and perhaps if we recognized that, we might find at the least a little more tolerance and maybe a little more consideration. Ultimately, compassion is the most healing gift we can give and receive.

For those that are celebrating anniversaries now or at any time know this; when I see your posts there is a moment of sadness and a sense of loss and failure, that's my personal stuff. Soon the feeling passes as I recognize that this is not about me. This is about you, and I celebrate you because even though your struggles may be different, no one makes it through a long marriage without challenges. You deserve the kudos! Give your person a hug and celebrate with abandon!

 

On the Outside Looking In

 

                                            Morning Walk at the Riparian

The day started off nicely even though I woke up at 3:17 and was not able to get back to sleep. I rested and took my time getting out of the house. I took Poppy to the Riparian Preserve for a walk that was mostly peaceful and quiet. 

 

I returned home feeling productive and after starting some laundry, I went outside to hose down the back patio leaving Poppy inside to cool down.  When I was finished and the patio was clean, I went to open the sliding glass door only to discover I could not. The wooden pole I use had somehow rolled back into the door frame effectively preventing me from getting inside. Either the dog or my robot vac (leaning toward the robot vacuum) had pushed it and I was stuck on the outside looking in.

 

My phone was inside the house and I had nothing on me. I tried jiggling the door, coaxing the dog to use her paws and pull it back. She is definitely not Lassie! My cat could have done it, he regularly plays with the pole for entertainment but he was nowhere to be seen. I later discovered his day wasn't going much better than mine because he was stuck in my daughter's room.

So, I sat down and breathed, considering my options. I got up and did some weeding. I looked for a vulnerable window. Finally, I walked around the corner and asked my neighbor if I could use her phone. I called my ex-husband because he works from home and there was a good chance our daughter (she's currently with him) had left her key to my house at home. No luck. I went back home for some more weeding and problem solving.

 

My neighbor came over and offered to drive me over to see if my kid had left her key at her Dad's. Again, no luck, he wasn't home. So my neighbor dropped me off at rec center where I teach classes. My boss was amazing, letting me use his phone to call and text, logging me onto a computer and sharing a similar experience he had.

I was able to reach my daughter via text. She didn't have her key and thought she had left it at my house. I'm renting and I thought the owners, a couple, would be able to unlock the door. Since I didn't have my phone, I didn't have their contact info. They own a business and I called and asked the receptionist if she could call them. They responded right away but were out of town and recommended a locksmith.

Out of options and luck, I called the locksmith they suggested and left a message. Then called another with a five star rating. Jacob from Sundial locksmith was amazing! Was able to come about a half hour I spoke with him and had the four locks on my front door open in five minutes. Another instructor from Freestone graciously gave me a ride home and commented at how calm I was. Hysteria never helps and I know how to focus but on the inside I was anxious and angry with myself.

 

I was locked out for about two and a half hours and the whole fiasco cost $279.00. I'm a pretty solid problem solver but the kindness of others lessened the time and the burden. If I had had my phone which I did not expect to need while I was hosing down the patio, I could have opened my garage door with an app. I don't like being so reliant on technology. I couldn't even check my email while at the rec center because everything requires two step authentication. You confirm you're logging in by getting a notification on your phone.

Many people suggested a hide a key but I'm not comfortable with that. Having had my house broken into and been attacked years ago makes me nervous to put a key someplace. This was a freak thing and is unlikely to happen again however, I do plan to put my phone in my pocket even if I am just going outside. Talk about a ball and chain!

I still managed to pick my daughter up from school in her car so she could drive it back to her Dad's (she's got her permit but not her license) teach 3 classes and keep up with work email and household stuff but much chocolate (dark with almonds) was consumed! I was so tired when I arrived to teach my classes this afternoon but I felt much better afterwards. Regular exercises know what is on the other side of a workout. Today that was burning off the fight or flight adrenaline.

First Day of School-Senior Edition

Four weeks ago today was the first day of school for my daughter. She has begun her senior year and I  could not stop crying. I thought I was over it and ready to make a joke while teaching a class. I love making people laugh, feeling like they are not the only one and building connection. I guess it was too soon because I choked up when I said it, and my eyes began to well. I pulled it together, hoping I didn't make anyone too uncomfortable.

On her first day of school, kindergarten August 2009, I cried when I dropped her off and stayed home for the entire school day in case something happened, or she needed me. I wanted to be close just in case. I repeated this every first day until fourth grade when I managed not to cry for the first time. 1st Day 4th Grade Parenting is hard for everyone and being a sensitive person that had one parent unable to care for her children has put this over-thinker into analyzing overdrive more times than I care to count.

I didn't want children. I know myself well and knew it would challenge me because I care so much about everything. I felt certain I would be overwhelmed. Our daughter came along ten years into my marriage. My husband and I had a couple of bumpy years in the beginning but felt we were in a good place when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a casual attempt and we agreed that if I was pregnant before I turned 40, it was meant to be. A couple of months after I turned 39, I was pregnant and terrified.

Not long ago, I was speaking with a friend about motherhood. She chose not to have children and asked if I felt good about changing my mind? I told her as soon as I held my girl, I was overwhelmed by the responsibility but also enamored by the wonder. I knew it was right. My husband regularly suggested "putting that baby down" but I hardly did. I would hold her and sing and dance and cry. It just felt so big and real. I wanted to give her everything!

I started reading to my daughter before she was born and never kicked the pugs out of my bed so she would know the sounds and feel of her little canine family. I put her in a sling and took her on walks with the dogs as soon as I could. Everything I read encouraged all of the above and since I didn't know from example, I studied. Aside from multiple books, I have taken courses in parenting as well as studies in my disciplines of psychology and health. I wanted to be the best Mom I could but sometimes I still fall short. There is no formula for success, you learn as you go.

So, I wondered what was wrong with me? It's not that I'm afraid of losing her. One of the only benefits of divorce is learning to live without her half the time. Then it struck me! I have taken her to school on her first day for the last twelve years but today, she was with her Dad. I sent her the YouTube video from Finding Nemo which I have played for her every first day of school but in person. I have taken a picture of her each year but today I didn't get to. I do have the photo she took with her best friend the day before school started at the Senior Sunrise in Papago Park. I love her friend Kaitlyn and am so happy they have a friendship that started in kindergarten and has endured the the years since.

My marriage and subsequent divorce have destroyed me and been hard on our daughter. I don't hate my former spouse, he just makes me feel sad, we just see things so differently. I was a little hesitant in the beginning of our relationship. He was so exuberant and I was much more reserved. Once I felt I could trust him, I was all in. He jokingly called me a greedy little love monger, and I was. I was not hugged or told I was loved as a child and it was hard not to be enamored by the feeling of being loved. I had never been so adored, so appreciated, it was intoxicating but it didn't last. I knew it was normal to settle after the honeymoon phase but it seemed I was the only one.

Fast forward to the present. When my daughter was still at my house, she came into my room, got in my bed, put her head on my shoulder and bawled her eyes out. As she soaked my pajama top, I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was sad. Sad about the passing of her Grandpa and her Uncle and just a sadness she couldn't articulate. I told her it was okay to feel sad, to cry and let it out. I won't presume that she, or anyone else for that matter, is feeling the same as me. But,  I sense a sadness in many. A grieving of a life we thought we knew and understood pre-pandemic, before isolation, death, divorce and all other possible challenges.

I was just getting used to and managing my own post-divorce normal when Covid came along. I went into overdrive as my income sources disappeared one by one. Often people will comment that you're a survivor and yes, I am because the alternative isn't good. So, I checked in with people, made videos and tried to stay connected. It felt incredibly weird but so many people were amazing and supportive, especially my friends. Here we are two years later dealing with the long term effects of chronic stress. I can't tell you how many of my students/clients say, "I don't know what's wrong with me" and I feel the same.

I am burnt out and exhausted. I am doing the exact same thing I did when I started in the fitness industry...teaching in multiple places. The difference is, I am 56, not 23 and back then you might get a phone call to sub a class but now the emails, texts and apps you are expected to put on your own device require so much more work. I have often said that accessibility and ease are not the same thing when it comes to technology, but people merely smile and nod. I think differently than most and that does not make me feel superior, it makes me feel separate. So many employers say they want people that think outside the box but also seem to want you to do so from inside the box. Luckily, there are some that appreciate my different thought process.

For a while I tried to apply for full time jobs. The idea of working for one employer seemed like a good solution but I couldn't make it happen. Even employers I worked for seemed to be looking for something other than great employee and or student evaluations, familiarity with the organization, years of service or continuing education. Part of the problem is that this industry is geared toward the young and hungry. Those that are willing to say yes to anything and burn themselves out only to be replaced by another group in the same place. I am neither young or hungry. The other challenge is that so many fitness people are a second income, a place I used to be. When you have to find your own health insurance (rarely is that available as a part time employee or independent contractor) maintain liability insurance, yadda, yadda. We can make a decent hourly income but it comes with costs of wear and tear on the body, continuing education, insurance, etc.

Recently, an opportunity has presented itself with a current employer. It is something I have wanted to do for a while and the path is laid out. I am so tired, so burnt and so lacking in faith in myself that I am not sure what to do. I thought I had a person. Someone who had my back and supported me. Though I have amazing people in my life, I don't have a person to hold me, remind me I am not alone and shore up the courage it takes to move forward. I miss having a partner but realize now that I was always seeing the best in my spouse while he was seeing the opposite.

Today, it all came to a head. Me keeping it together and trying to move forward alone in a pandemic world and parent my child in a post divorce reality. My beautiful, wonderful child has been struggling with both. Sadly, there are those that have little or no compassion. Last year when we were challenged with mental health issues, I was asked "what is wrong with kids today?". Guess what? Our children live in a different time than we did. They may have similar issues but in different circumstances. Our inability to recognize and have compassion divides us.

And that seems to be the current theme: we are divided. I am grieving the loss of connection. The sadness I feel that I haven't seen or don't even know what has happened to some of my students and colleagues. I am so very sad that the opinions people have about the pandemic years have divided us further. Not because I need to cut those with different opinions off, but because in order to maintain some relationships, I have to edit myself. Because agreeing to disagree is far less common than alienation. I do it because I love those people but guess what? I also withdraw. Here's the deal- I don't understand a world that seems to embrace diversity and inclusion while also seeming to encourage cancel culture. I can't understand feeling angry that your rights are infringed upon and then perpetuating and revoking the rights of others.

These are hard issues, social challenges. But, when we we choose to make uncertainty certain, we lose a little bit of our humanity and I am not okay with that. So, I cried today. My child, in spite of being a young senior, is on the cusp of adulthood. This summer she started her first job, got her driving permit and chose to take on the responsibility of a pet. On the way back from the vet, I told her she would need to be responsible for her bunny's food (hay) and bedding. She was surprised! I said I knew we (her father and I) would always have her back but she has to understand what having a pet entails. I paid for both vet visits and they were not cheap. Side note- I find it humorous that a domestic rabbit sees a vet that specializes in exotic animals.

Lessons are difficult to teach because it is not just about the lesson, it is about the timing. I try to figure it out and do the best by my kid but honestly, I don't always get it right. That is hard for me because I would lay down my life in a heartbeat if I thought it would help. But I am also the parent that hears the justification from my girl that she believes I will always be there for her and she feels safe with me. As much as I love to hear it and know it is true, it is only true for as long as I am here. I will not always be here. As an older Mom, I know it's possible that my life may end before my child is settled, ready. Honestly, is anyone ever?

When my Mom passed, the hardest thing was knowing we were out of time. There was no hope that we would connect. No possible future, only our past. The truth is, none of her children got what they needed but I don't think she ever did either. That makes me so sad for all of us. It also triggers my empathy for a woman I barely knew but loved none-the-less. A person with so much promise and so little opportunity. She could definitely be cruel and it was hurtful and confusing. As an adult, I can understand this, forgive and consider how those experiences have influenced the person I am.

I see so many heartfelt tributes from friends to parents that have passed and I so hope that is their truth and the love they can hold close when they are feeling lost. As open as I am, I keep some things close. My Mother was a conflicted and complicated human but I believe she tried and loved her children to the best of her ability. It was definitely not enough but her own childhood circumstances were less than ideal. It might sound like I am making excuses for her behavior but I am not. Recognizing the challenges that the people you love have faced is not an excuse for their behavior. It is an acknowledgement that you can not always change or define their past, no matter how much you love them. Just like you can not always predict or control the future for yourself, or your children but you can show up and be there.

Weekend Update

I was so looking forward to this weekend. Last weekend I worked on Saturday and had three social commitments on Sunday. Though I enjoy my work and my friends, it was a busy weekend for an HSP. If you are unfamiliar with the term, it stands for highly sensitive person HSP. Some may see themselves as empaths and indeed, you can be both- HSP vs Empath. Though I identify more as an HSP, I do tend to absorb subtle energy from other people and the environment. In small, controlled doses, I believe this makes me a better person, teacher, trainer, and friend. 

So, this weekend, I had only one client scheduled Saturday morning and was looking forward to a little down time. I have also been struggling with recurring muscular back pain and planned to do a little self care. Just before my client arrived, I saw there was a voicemail from one of the places I am employed. After listening to the message I was completely agitated. They were wondering where I was because I was scheduled to teach that morning. It was not on my schedule.

For the record, I keep three calendars. A digital calendar on my computer that syncs with my phone, an old school day planner and a dry erase board on the wall above my computer. I do this because I work in multiple places and like to make certain I know what my commitments are and if I have space to sub or adjust to accommodate clients. 

I called back and got a voicemail. I left a message apologizing profusely. When my client arrived, she could see I was visibly upset and immediately hugged me. I love her! She didn't try to fix me, she just let me know she cared. As soon as I was able, I checked my emails and saw that I had never said I would sub on Saturday 7/2 because the sub requests did not begin until the week of the fourth. I went through a multitude of email exchanges to be sure I hadn't made a mistake. I spoke to the supervisor on duty and followed up with an email and screen shot of the classes I agreed to sub in the email thread. Though I handled as much as I could, it is a holiday weekend and I am unlikely to hear back from anyone. 

The whole situation has fueled my anxiety as I wonder how many people showed up? That both co-workers and students alike think I let them down. I don't know what happened, who was set to teach and with no resolution, the (unlikely) possibility I screwed up is hard to shake. I employed all my skills, reassuring myself that I can only control my response, that I did the best I could, that the situation would be sorted, etc. Eventually the agitation dissipated.

Amidst the internal chaos of the circumstances, I completed all of my usual Saturday chores including washing all of my bedding as well as the dog. I finished a rather amusing book, The Patron Saint of Second Chances and did my best to relax and recharge. I slept okay and awoke somewhat rested. I fantasize about deep restorative sleep. A friend told me recently that she did not have a television in her bedroom to help with sleep. I replied that yes, the bedroom is suppossed to be for sleep and sex only and I wasn't getting either (but only sad about one)! She (and everyone else I shared this with) laughed. I so love connecting with and finding humor in the goofiness of life. How else does one survive with any sanity or humanity?

On Sunday, after completing my morning routine and nearly ready to walk my pug, I returned to my bedroom to discover the dog throwing up on my bed and freshly washed bedding. Dismay is the best word to describe my feelings. Sorry my girl was in distress but also, that the work of the previous day was for naught! I cleaned up, evaluated the damage and got started on rectifying the situation. Poppy & I left for our walk about 6ish. It was a hot, sticky walk and despite having plenty of water, I worried about my girl and did everything I could to keep her comfortable. We stayed in the shade, walked on wet grass, through the sprinklers and of course, she drank the water I brought.

We arrived home and I waited before starting breakfast, giving her time to cool down. I boiled chicken to add to her dry food and the water spilled over on my stove the floor and me before I could remove it from the heat. Totally my fault for not lowering the heat sooner and getting distracted. Of course, I go into cleaning overdrive! No one wants salmonella or gross chicken juice on their floor, appliances or person. A three step process involving soap & water, disinfecting wipes and removal of all fabrics touched (clothes, sponge, paper towels, hand towels) either disposed of or washed left me feeling like I was moving in the right direction.

I had a mellow rest of the morning, enjoying a new book before taking my daughter shopping and hanging out a bit. She wanted to do a Pilates workout and I obliged. I try not to lecture or push people about the benefits of exercise, especially family. They know what I do and will sometimes ask for direction. I am occasionally more pointed if I think that their quality of life will be negatively impacted and that conversation needs to happen. After shopping, working and hanging out, her father (she's with him currently) came to pick her up for more shopping.

Before my daughter left, I decided to complete one of the many small nagging projects on my list. I have a tiny set of yoga gnomes and one of the little dudes hands had broken off. I got out the Crazy Glue. If you've used Crazy Glue at any point in your life, you anticipate gluing your fingers together and not being able to use that tube again because it is glued shut. So, after successfully gluing my gnomes little hand to my own, my daughter came to help. Of course, hilarity ensued but eventually the task was completed and we both managed to get our own fingers apart!

This is life... messy, funny, frustrating, sometimes wonderful and sometimes incredibly unfair. I take the best, try to handle the worst and enjoy as much as I can but it's not always easy. The hard part is managing the expectations of others. I find so many seek someone to blame and as a person that is willing to own my mistakes (and sometimes more responsibility/accountability than is mine to bear) people take advantage. We learn and grow (hopefully) but sometimes we are not in the optimal environment for either. As often as possible I remind myself to be grateful. Life is a practice. Growth is not possible without struggle. The best we can do, is to be aware, kind and open. The alternative is far less appealing.

That's Amore

My Book Club recently read and discussed One Italian Summer. One of the things I enjoyed most about the book were the delightful descriptions of food and wine. It made me hungry and wanting to expand my cooking repertoire. I remember feeling similarly when I read Under the Tuscan Sun (totally different than the movie) and Eat, Pray, Love.

Recently, a friend and book club member gave me a couple of books (is there any better gift?) including Sunrise By The Sea. Though the book is set in Great Britain, one of the central characters is of Italian descent. Suffering from depression, anxiety and rapidly becoming agoraphobic, Marissa begins to cook with her Italian Grandmother via Skype. The relationship fills a void for both of them after the death of her Grandfather and helps Marissa return to the pleasure of cooking and eating again.

I haven't finished reading the book but I happened across this article The Pasta Sauce Hailed as the World’s Best Is Surprisingly Easy to Make at Home. After reading it, I knew I had to make this sauce and give it a try. The recipe comes from Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking by Marcella Hazan. My sister has a copy and makes the Bolognese Sauce which is also quite delicious but includes ground beef. Alas, my daughter is vegetarian and I do not eat red meat so, with just three ingredients that did not include meat this sauce seemed perfect.

I forced myself to follow the recipe exactly. I always do the first time I make something but I can't help wanting to tweak things based on my own preferences. I really wanted to add garlic to this but chose to satisfy that urge by making garlic bread to go with the pasta and sauce. I chose to listen to Italian Dinner Music and sip an inexpensive red wine to fully enjoy and immerse myself in the experience.

I am only half way through the book but I relate to Marissa so strongly. Though not debilitated by my mental health issues, I have definitely experienced anxiety, and depression. Finding small pleasures such as cooking and reading are so important when you are in a dark place. It can be hard to find the desire, time or energy but it is important to get a foothold when you are in despair.

I ran into a friend this morning that shared her own mental health challenges and I listened, encouraged and did my best to support her in our brief encounter. I think we could all benefit from feeling heard with compassion. So often people want to fix the problem or the person and are uncomfortable hearing that someone they know and care for is in pain. Marissa experiences this as does Katy in One Italian Summer after the death of her mother. Though very different characters, both are grieving and experience a lack of understanding along with an expectation of a timeline for getting over it. 

There is no timeline when you lose someone. Birthdays, anniversaries of their passing and every holiday makes you think of them. Songs, places, people, it all hurts in the beginning. The pain fades with time but sometimes the longing for the lost loved one hits you like a sucker punch just when you think you have learned to live with the loss. For all of my grieving friends, find your people, know you are not alone and seek small pleasures where you can.

Ten minutes into cooking, my house smelled delightful. The music was playing softly in the background. The sauce was amazing! Simple and surprisingly clean considering the amount of butter. My garlic bread was a bit overdone but still tasty. If you are serving more than a couple of people, consider doubling the recipe. 

Some years ago, my nephew was stationed in Italy and invited me to visit. I have never enjoyed traveling (it's the getting there) but like exploring new places. I allowed my "play it safe" mentality to prevent me from taking the chance and I do regret that. But, I can experience a place I love to read about through food and wine. Though it is not the same, reading takes me to different places and times. Cooking and music allows me to feel connected to those places and times. I hope you find and pursue some simple pleasures on your terms. Connection is so important.

 

It's Too Darn Hot

I broke down and turned the air conditioner on today, it was 93 degrees.  I took advantage of the still fairly cool morning and opened the windows. I also opened the umbrellas to shade the back half of the house. Between my preemptive strike and my ceiling fans I made it until 4 in the afternoon when the indoor temp hit 80. The A/C is set at 78 throughout the summer to strike a balance between keeping the pets and people comfortable and trying to manage the cost.

I took the blanket off my bed, washed and stored it, hoping I might need to pull it out one last time. It is only March! I use a light quilt and add the blanket between the sheets and quilt as the weather cools. I even have a comforter I throw on top when it is really chilly, which is not that often. I see why people like weighted blankets. I have a regular blanket but enjoy the weight of it combined with the rest of the bedding.

So, the blanket is off, the A/C is on and I find myself questioning why I live here, especially with the crazy housing situation. The housing market seems crazy everywhere and since my daughter has another year of high school, I'm not going anywhere soon. Still, I miss living somewhere that people think is hot when the weather looks like my app today. It will be 20 degrees warmer through the vast majority of the summer. The hottest I have experienced is 122. Yep, you read that right, it is literally hell! Too Darn Hot!

Don't get me wrong, it's pretty nice October to April but as you can see, we get some hot days on either end and summer lasts about 5 months here. I do appreciate the optimistic people that say three months of a dry heat makes the rest of the year worth it. I am realist though so, there's that.

At dinner time, I simply could not bear to turn on the oven. I love a sheet pan dinner and roasted veggies...yum! Once the temp is over 80, I try not to use the oven unless I can use both shelves.  Since my daughter was dining at Casa de Boyfriend, I decided on stove top roasting. One of my go to's is pan seared salmon in lemon butter. I combined this with red potatoes, Brussels sprouts, mushrooms and garlic in olive oil with a pinch of sea salt and fresh ground pepper. Maximal flavor and minimal heat for the win.

Cart Character

 

Today after teaching, I stopped at Costco. This is not my usual location but was sort of on the way between work and home. This particular Costco is near a number of retirement aka active adult communities and always seems to be busy. The positive is that I feel young and spry when I shop there (even with a severe hamstring strain & a birth date that allows me to live in one of these communities)  and the negative is that procuring a parking spot feels like a victory.

 

After canvassing the lot, I see a vehicle pulling out and flip my turn signal on to claim it. As the car pulled away and I moved forward to park, an older gentlemen stepped from between the cars on either side of the spot I was about to park in. Someone had wedged a shopping cart in the space and he grabbed it, theatrically shaking his head and obviously tsk, tsking.

 

I smiled, waved and mouthed, "thank you" amused with his dramatic portrayal of the hapless do-gooder.

When I returned and opened my car to put my purchases inside, I saw another car stop and turn their signal on to take my place. I moved as quickly as possible, returning my cart to the cart corral, getting in my car and vacating the space. Ironically, I stumbled upon this article The Shopping Cart Theory shortly after I got home.

 

I have seen this theory before. I find it amusing to consider moral character based on the observance of one act, and thought I would ask your opinion. Can you determine anything from the observation of a person that does or does not return their shopping cart? If so, how do you defend your theory? Let's keep it fun...and go!

Getaway

Spring Break has begun. My 2 spring semester college courses didn't have enough enrollment and it looks like my late start class won't either. Enrollment has declined steeply at the community college(s). Even before the pandemic that has worsened the issue. Both of the colleges I teach for are in a time of flux. Change is difficult, especially in the academic world. There is the usual talk about innovation, new programming and student service. Unfortunately the educational environment is steeped in tradition, heavy on administration and slow to adopt meaningful, fundamental change. 

Meeting students where they are while maintaining academic rigor (the current directive) is a challenge. Add in ever changing social norms that require emotional intelligence, compassion and flexibility while teaching, supporting and sustaining student accountability and guess what? The educational landscape feels like a minefield.

So, my unplanned break feels well-timed. Luckily my college spring break, teaching or not, has almost always coincided with my daughters public school calendar. I planned a short road trip for us to get away. This is my first vacation since the initial shut down. Abby and I drove to visit family between shut down one (March 2020) and two (July 2020) and last year I flew to California for a funeral in June. There was definitely some joy in seeing family and a bit of fun was had but these trips were fraught with anxiety, sadness, confusion and concern. Let's be honest, the last couple of years have sucked. Vacation mode activate!

I worked until noon on Friday and my daughter had a half day. I took my pug to the dog sitter for a sleep over before work and a wonderful friend took on the task of cat management. Despite plans, we got a late start for our trip but I refused to be stressed or annoyed. I was pleased my daughter was willing to leave her boyfriend and take a road trip with me, even a short one. It is normal for children to begin creating a life of their own as they approach adulthood but it's still hard and lonely for me at times.

So we got on the road and chatted for a bit, then she listened to music on her AirPods that we had to run back for. We hadn't gotten far when she realized they weren't in the case so it was no big deal to turn around. I listened to the classical radio station I support and she listened to her music. Heading to Winslow on the Beeline Highway (we both love the name) traffic wasn't too bad with the usual mix of traveling speeds, hills, and curves but reasonably light overall.

As we drove I watched the temperature drop on my dashboard thermometer. We started at a high of 74 degrees and dropped to a low of 36 as we headed north. Along the way the clouds covered the sun, dancing between ominous and cheerful. There was very little traffic once we passed the small towns of Pine & Strawberry. We encountered rain showers and snow flurries but no ice on the road. Abby dozed, we listened to a bit of an audiobook and chatted some more on our three hour trip to Winslow, Arizona.

When we arrived it was sunny, cold and windy. I had brought an extra jacket that Abby initially declined but ended up wearing. We checked into La Posada Hotel, found our room, made a dinner reservation and settled in. I had been intrigued by the historic hotel for a long time and decided it would be a good first foray. Since it is Women's History month, the fact that La Posada was designed by a woman architect along with the name, the resting place, affirmed my choice. Though I love to learn and explore, it takes me a while to research and plan. I was happy to finally say yes to a little get away.

Before I made the reservation I had asked Abby if she wanted a room with two queen beds or the deluxe king with whirlpool tub. We agreed the whirlpool tub was worth the extra cost of accommodation. All settled in, we walked the grounds before it got any colder, explored the hotel and arrived punctually for our dinner at the Turquoise room.

The menu was eclectic but I don't eat red meat and Abby is a vegetarian. We are also small people so, we ordered the Signature Soup and the Southwestern Caesar salad to share. Abby wanted a quesadilla but it was not on the menu. I asked if it would be possible to make one and they did! Abby chose the green salsa, I ordered a glass of Old Soul wine and we asked to have everything come out together.

The portions weren't huge (not small, just not typical American 2-3 servings on one plate) but that was perfect for us. The soup was delicious! The bowl was divided with a sweet corn on one side and a spicy black bean on the other, married with a chile cream drizzle. Abby preferred the spicy black bean but I liked the combination. The quesadilla was good but unremarkable though the green salsa won a favorable review. 

Apparently my daughters boyfriend has a Dad that is known for his green salsa that has become the gold standard for my girl (I'm dying to try it). She found this green salsa to be a close second. The Caesar was delicious with roasted red peppers, pumpkin seeds and Parmesan cracker bread but I was surprised that the dressing was traditional. I expected a Southwestern twist with a little heat. The most delicious surprise was the prickly pair butter served with the bread basket. It was sweet (but not too sweet) and we had to forgo dessert because we were nicely full from our meal.

We retired to our room and took turns enjoying a bath in the whirlpool tub, and getting ready for bed. I slept reasonably well but woke at 4 am. Abby used the bathroom and was able to fall asleep but I could not. A little after five, I went downstairs, threaded my way through the gift shop and found the complimentary coffee. The clerk was friendly as I returned and I asked when people usually started stirring? He said around six and told me I was the first one. Aha! The benefit to being an insomniac...fresh coffee, and it was good.

We packed up, checked out and returned to The Turquoise Room for breakfast. It was much less busy than dinner and reservations were not necessary. Abby had an iced chai and ordered the Prickly Pear Bread Pudding.  Having already had my coffee and also a cup of tea, I drank water. Since we were sharing, I ordered a side of black beans and a side of scrambled eggs with green salsa. I figured the protein and savory would balance the sweet. Everything was delicious and the bread pudding was a yummy breakfast dessert.

We made the short drive to "The Corner" and proceeded to stand. The sun had come up but there was a cold wind blowing and it was impossible to get a picture without crazy hair! We did a little shopping at the Take it Easy gift store that was all things Eagles & Route 66 with a few other items.

From there we headed to Meteor Crater. The wind had picked up even more and I thought my moon roof was going to blow off as it whined and moaned. It was a quick 20 minute drive and the facility was beautiful. There were no tours because of the high winds and the 4D experience had been vandalized so, it wasn't available. I was disappointed that we couldn't get the full experience but it was still worth seeing. Visit their website to learn more and save on tickets: Meteor Crater 

We explored the museum and Abby bought a couple of things at the gift shop. The crater was amazing and I took some pictures from inside because I thought I might get blown away when I tried to step outside. There wasn't any shelter from the wind like there was near the front of the building where we took a couple of the photos below.

We headed toward Flagstaff with the intention of strolling downtown before continuing home. Along the way we had occasional bursts of rain, that later became snow flurries. The closer we got to Flag the darker the sky became and snow began to fall swirling all around us in the wind. I decided we better head home before it worsened and we got stuck.

I stopped for gas and hid behind the pump to minimize the amount of snow and wind coming at me. The guy pumping gas on the other side commented that I was smart as as he stood gathering snow on his person. Abby laughed when I got in the car still covered in snowflakes despite the shelter. It was about 1:30 and I figured with the amount of traffic on the road and mid-day temperatures likely to be the highest, we might be able to get out of town before the storm hit full force. Luckily, I was right.

The temperature dropped to 32 degrees but there was plenty of traffic keeping the road from icing, along with a squad of ADOT snow plows moving the slush from the shoulder and on/off ramps. I was a little nervous but I kept my grip light, did some deep breathing and trusted my skills. Abby dozed and I knew she relied on me to get her home safe. I wasn't gonna let her down.

The snow lessened, became flurries, then rain, and eventually stopped altogether as we traveled south. It was a relief to only have to deal with the normal twists and turns, along with the other drivers operating different vehicles at various speeds as we wove our way out of the high country and back to our slice of the desert. There was an enormous tumbleweed, heavy with rain, that had rolled into the slow lane and stopped tumbling. I was glad the weather hadn't stopped me from getting home where the temperature was in the low '80's with a light breeze.

Abby took this photo in the Art Gallery at La Posada. It was a random and interesting collection on display. While in Northern Arizona, I experienced everything from sun to snow in the same day. I think bi-polar bananas is a pretty accurate description of the weather. Despite the changeable climate we had a wonderful whirlwind (see what I did there?) getaway.